Disclaimer: This blog post is based on a discourse of Pujya Swami Dayananda Saraswati. Any error is due to my understanding alone.

Vahati: Hey Anuj, you know what? The number of discussions we were supposed have between us, is on the rise:-)

Anuj: What discussions?

Vahati: Oh my goodness!! The ones we say we should discuss at length and we don’t? Those ones.

Anuj: Oh OK.. Now what do you want to discuss, because you look as though you are ready with something?..

Vahati: The last few days has been tough for me, Anuj. I have been trying to forget many incidents that have happened in my life, and also forgive the people who I think have caused hurt to me, but just NOT ABLE TO..

Anuj: You should learn to forget and move on in life. You stay in the past all the time.

Vahati: I have tried to forget it but the more I try, the more I am NOT ABLE TO.. That frustrates even more. I get even more angry every time you say “You must forget it.” It is not that I have not tried. I have and it just does NOT work. Just this morning and so apt for me, I was listening to a discourse of pUjya swAmiji and he said, “The more you try to forget the incidents, the more you will remember it; because you are constantly reminding yourself to forget those incidents. By this way, you remember the incidents and the people involved in it frequently. “This will only cause frustration.” Gosh, Anuj!!! That’s precisely what happens to me.

Anuj: So how do you then forgive and forget?

Vahati: Ah!! That’s what I also was waiting for, to hear him say.  He said:

  • Others’s omissions (not doing what one needs to do) and commissions (doing what one is not to do) causes hurt in us
  • Our omissions and commissions causes guilt in us

We are hence neither able to forgive and forget what others have done to us; nor are we able to forgive and forget, what we have done to others and also to ourselves.

Anuj: Interesting!! Go on..

Vahati: To forgive and forget is also kindness, isn”t it? And kindness is compassion.

Anuj: Go on, Vahati. I want to listen to what you are saying..

Vahati: He also says that compassion has to start with oneself first. One has to be compassionate towards oneself. Which means that we SHOULD NOT beat ourselves down because of our omissions and commissions. At the time of our omissions and commissions, we have done what we think we should do. We could NOT HAVE been but different. Similarly, someone else’s omissions and commissions happened because at that time, they thought they are right. Here are three steps he gave, to build the compassion that will enable us to forgive and forget ourselves and others. Please stop me, if needed..

– Understand

– Accommodate

–  Be Objective

Understand – There is a background that each one of us have in whatever we do. That background is what makes us to do or not to do something. So when someone does something that they are NOT TO or when someone does not do something that they OUGHT TO, understand that there is a background that is making them to do it; a background that we are not aware of (and perhaps one that they are also not aware of.

Accommodate – Give space to the other person to be what they are, and we then give space to ourselves to be free. We may want someone else to change and they may not change. Why do we want them to change? For their good. IF they change, we are happy. And if they do not? Then arises many  a question and thoughts in us –

– Why can’t they change?

– I am only saying this for their good. Can’t they see that?

– Why is it so difficult to change?

– I have changed when they wanted me to. Can’t they change because I think they should? and this list goes on and on..

Others MAY NOT change because they are either NOT convinced of the change; or they want to change but they are unable to.  Either way, we can talk to them on this and if they still DON’T change, the best we can do is pray for them.

Be Objective – and NOT subjective. This is the ability to take things as they are and NOT cloud them with our judgments. In many situations that we see, many of us tend to judge why people behave the way they do. We tend to compare and relate situations and people. We NEED TO look at situations and people as they are, which is when we are objective.

Anuj: Vahati, this sounds way too easy when I hear this from you. I wonder if this is as easy..

Vahati: I have just started to internalise this, so not sure how easy it would be.  Added to it, there are times when I feel that others also have to Understand, Accommodate and Be Objective, with me. I too come with a background, don’t I?

Anuj: Interesting!!! If you know that you come with a background, then isn’t it important that you follow the three steps too?

Vahati: Ah!! That’s precisely where ‘being compassionate’ with oneself comes in – To understand oneself, accommodate oneself and be objective towards oneself. That’s tough though, Anuj. My guilt, because I am beating myself because of my own omissions and commissions, eats me up.

Anuj: So you have hurt because of others’ omissions and commissions; and guilt because of your omissions and commissions? A dangerous combination, Vahati. (and he goes quiet)

Vahati: Anuj??

Anuj: Sorry Vahati. I just went back to my own emotions of anger and guilt; and I understand what you have been sharing..  those three steps refuse to go away from my mind.

Vahati: I know. I have been running these three steps in the last few days, in my mind. It has helped me to calm myself down, and tone down both my anger and guilt. I am so happy, Anuj. I used to feel really guilty that I am unable to forgive and forget others’ omissions and commissions, no matter how much I try. This three- step action is in my control and hence appears so doable, Anuj.

Anuj: I also want to put it into use, Vahati. Actually, we can discuss the doability of this in a couple of months, Vahati? 🙂