A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to read the earlier published blogs on ‘Emotional Maturity’. They are NOT a prerequisite to reading this blog, though reading them would help in a better understanding of this blog. The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon, on the topic of ‘Emotional Maturity’, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

PrasAd: Do you know how long I have been waiting here, BhAvanA? We were to meet at 4 O’ clock and I was here ten minutes earlier. There was neither a call from you nor a message. I literally had to rush to be here on time. This is just not on.

BhAvanA (raising her voice also): Why are you shouting at me here, with so many people around? Everyone is looking at us and that makes me so embarrassed.

PrasAd: Yeah and I have been telling the people serving here that I am waiting for someone, in the last 40 minutes. Isn’t that embarrassing for me?

BhAvanA and PrasAd look at each other and look away, and say the same words as though echoing each other. “Oh my god!! What are we doing?”

PrasAd: Not easy to follow the aspect of understanding and accepting the background of another person, based on something they did. I just screamed at you for coming late. I am sure there was a reason for you to come this late and not message or call me to say so too.

BhAvanA: And I just yelled back, doing the same thing that I was accusing you of doing; and we both discussed about understanding and accepting the background, of why someone is doing what they are. Waiting here for 40 minutes wouldn’t have been easy. In your psoition, I would have perhaps left after waiting for 25 minutes max, PrasAd. It is nice to listen to a teaching but tough to follow, isn’t it?  What did we do to each other just now?

PrasAd: BhAvanA, I have heard the phrase ‘having a big heart’. I was wondering what it really means. I could connect to what pUjya Swamiji says when he explains about background – that when we understand and accept the background, we are accommodating the person. Tell me, when and why do we make accommodations?

BhAvanA: Hmmn.. We make accommodations to give someone space or place in something, because we think they need it.

PrasAd: Spot on. Going by your meaning, when we accommodate them by understanding and accepting their background, we are also making more space for them, right?

BhAvanA: So we need to make the space in us bigger, to create that space for them? I can visualise making space within, to accommodate people. But then won’t that become too crowded? How many people can I accommodate like that?

PrasAd: You and your visualisation!! Think about it and tell me later on how you would do this.

BhAvanA: PrasAd, when we don’t try to accept someone’s background let alone understand it, we would react to the situation, right? And that is what you and I did, when we met today.

PrasAd: Interesting!! I did not think on these lines. So understanding and accepting the background, and reacting are connected?!

BhAvanA: That is my perspective. What did you and I do when we met this evening?

PrasAd: Reacted.

BhAvanA: Did we try to understand the background of why someone was late and why someone shouted?

PrasAd: No.

BhAvanA: So when we don’t try to understand the other person’s background, then we are reacting, isn’t it?

PrasAd: But we will understand only when either the other person gives the background or when we ask, isn’t it?

BhAvanA: Yes but we are reacting and the person is so overwhelmed by the background behind the situation, that they are not in a position to explain. This background could be because of their own habits, values and perspectives of life or simply because of the experience that they have undergone at that moment.

PrasAd: And that’s a lot to understand, BhAvanA. Wait, but do you have the time to discuss on this now? I think this is certainly going to take a while longer. I can go on for more time on this.

BhAvanA: I too can, PrasAd. Getting back to the discussion, it IS a lot to understand but do we want to put in the effort? That’s a call that each of us in the situation need to take. If you were to ask me, I would rather try to understand and accept the background than react. Oh, when I say understand the background, I mean that I tell myself that the person has a background for doing what they did. I don’t need to know the background :-). Though if they choose to tell me, that’s fine too.

When I react, it affects me as much as it affects the other person. Talking for myself, I am not comfortable for quite a few hours or even days because of the impact the reacting caused. So no reaction for me only background awareness 🙂

PrasAd: Hmmn.. Go on..

BhAvanA: Reaction is a happening, PrasAd.

PrasAd: What do you mean by happening?

BhAvanA: What happened when I came late and I sent no messages or made no calls?

PrasAd: I got angry.

BhAvanA: So anger happened. Which is the same thing that happened to me also, when I thought you did not attempt to understand the background behind why I did not do something.

We are all struck by different emotions in different situations. Emotions like frustration, anger, sadness, jealousy etc., that have a free pass to us. We don’t invite them. They just gatecrash. But you know what, we don’t have body guards or security or bouncers to stop them from entering. However once they come in, we do become aware of their presence almost immediately. While we think we should give the emotion its due and allow it to do its work, we are also aware that it will have its impact on us and others. When that awareness comes, more often than not, we take an action. This action is backed by thinking, whereas reaction happens (with no thinking).

PrasAd: How do I know that a reaction is happening? When do I take action?

BhAvanA: Watch yourself when you are in a situation, PrasAd. When you watch yourself, you will notice the myriad of emotions that enter within you. You will become aware when an emotion is triggering you to react. If you continue to watch yourself further, this awareness will also set you to start thinking of the action to take. That is where free will comes into the picture. The will that gives us to freedom to choose our action. A few choices of the actions to take may occur to us, and we may opt for an action that is appropriate for that situation.

PrasAd: Does this mean that we have no control over the emotions that enter into us?

BhAvanA: I remember reading somewhere that all emotions are present in us. All it needs is a situation to make its presence felt. It is like the sound that is there behind every key in the  keyboard. We don’t see the sound but when we play the key, we hear the sound. Which is why when someone says, “Don’t get angry or don’t get sad etc.,” it does not make sense. I feel like telling them that neither do I love these emotions nor do I invite them. If they are already in me, how can I not ‘get’ them?

PrasAd: Now I understand why you would get irritated if I tell you not to get angry, or not to get sad about something.

BhAvanA: Yeah and I would tell you to tell me how to handle the emotion, instead of telling me how not to ‘get’ something that I have already got.

PrasAd: This is profound, BhAvanA.

– Try to understand and accept the fact, that there is a background for a person to do something

– Be aware of your emotions when you are in a situation

– Act rather than react, by using the freedom of choice or free will

– Live and enjoy others living 🙂

BhavanA: Looks like the last point is the result of the first three :-). Thank you for this thought provoking discussion, PrasAd. Am I glad I was late today, because of which this discussion happened!!

PrasAd: I echo your thoughts, BhAvanA and awaiting the next discussion on this topic. Got to rush now..