My husband Krishnan returned after a week’s stay in Chennai to attend the Margazhi Kutcheri season (Margazhi, a month in the Tamil Calendar spanning from mid December to mid January). This is one time that he looks forward to – his ‘me time’ 🙂
He was sharing about the concerts he attended, the singers he listened to for the first time and the sabha hopping that he did in this one week.. His return time to his place of stay (which is a good 15 kilometers from the city) was by about 10.30 p.m. every day.. His means of transport was either by bus or by train or for short distances, by auto. Is this blog going to be about his experience during this one week? (well, that’s for him to write on).. Is this about his sabha hopping? (well, I am still trying to figure the route between the sabhas, so not on this definitely).. So what is this blog going to be on?
It is on the questions that struck me when I heard Krishnan sharing about the time he returned home everyday..Â
Would I have traveled alone at that time of the night, be it by auto or bus or train?Â
Would I have been allowed by my family to travel alone at that time?Â
When I asked him if there were women traveling alone at that time, he said that though he did not notice as much, he does remember women walking in company of other women or a man.Â
I know of the times when my friend used to make a note of the registration number of the auto that I get into.. It certainly feels nice when we know that we have family and friends who are concerned for our safe return but at what price!! The price of not really feeling safe when someone is traveling alone? That is a sad state of affairs indeed.. This took me back to some incidents in my life when I have felt ‘Whew!! The challenges of being a woman’ and ask some questions too (as usual, isnt it? :-))
I was in my school volley ball team, when I was in class 10.. Most of us in the team took a bus to return back home after the matches (that we either played or watched).. One of the days while returning home at about 9 p.m., I noticed that a group of men traveling in the bus kept looking at the direction all of us were seated.. When I got down at my bus stop, one of the men got down and followed me.. Those were the times when there was no mobile phone and there was no time to stop and call home either.. I was really scared and the only saving grace was that it was a familiar area.. The only thought I had was that this man should not know my house.. I quickly darted to my neighbors house and crept up to their terrace.. I could look from their terrace to the road, without being seen :-).. I waited for this man to leave and for the coast to be clear and then ran home.. 16 years of age is what I was.. Since then, I watch around whenever I come back home later than 9, and this I do even now.. These incidents happened then and are happening now too… Have such incidents made girls grow into watchful women??
It took me a while to get used to the fact that I was a chosen one to deliver residential team building training programs.. I was in Chennai and had to travel to Bangalore and Hyderabad to deliver these programs.. There were two incidents that happened during this time, that made me have the same feeling of ‘Whew!! The challenges of being a woman’..Â
The first was during a program and while having breakfast with the participants.. One of the participants (a ‘he’) seated next to me looked at me and said, “Should I feed you breakfast?”.. I was shocked at the question and wanted to bolt from there.. Fortunately for me, the HR manager was also seated in the same table.. He looked at the participant, apologised to me and called the participant away from the table. I had to go back and deliver the program with the same energy and enthusiasm, with the next two days ahead of me.. All through the day, the questions that were running in my mind were, “Am I in the right profession? Should I just quit this profession? Just because I am a woman who has chosen to be a corporate trainer sometimes doing residential programs, does that give the right to someone to judge me?”.. I love meeting people, every day in the programs were a learning experience for me, I had a wonderful friend, coach and guide to help me deliver these programs successfully and I had support from home to handle the home front when I was away.. With all these positive thoughts under my belt, this incident has almost become a non entity though at times even now, it really riles me..
The second incident happened in the wee hours of one morning, in the railway station, on my return from a training program.. I was waiting for Krishnan to pick me up.. Time ticked by and all I could see was a man staring at me, with almost all the passengers having left the platform.. I took to a run, came outside to one of the telephone booths (I had just a pager then:-)) and called home, only to find that Krishnan had overslept and was just leaving for the station.. I look outside through the glass of the telephone booth, to find that this man had followed me outside too.. Huffing and puffing with a mixture of fear and anger, I told Krishnan that I would take an auto home.. With bravado, I walked out of the booth and up to this man who had followed me; told him in a loud voice that I have seen him following me and I will complain to the police if he does not back off.. He actually backed off!!!! Fortunately there was a police constable standing a few feet away and this made me muster the courage to walk with my head held high to the auto stand and catch an auto.. My bravado was only thus far.. Once I was in the auto, I burst into tears with all the tension catching up on me.. More questions after this incident, ‘Am I taking a risk traveling alone. in trains that leave at night and reach in the wee hours of the morning? Are such journeys required to be taken? Should I continue in this profession?’.. I guess the positive aspects that I had under the belt showed themselves up yet again.. One more incident that became a non entity but this incident makes me smile even today; especially the moment when I walked up to the guy and raised my voice :-).. This is when the thought of how women are perhaps looked at by a few men occurred to me..
All these incidents made me more watchful, alert and mentally strong but sadly enough it has also made me so wary of people; so wary, that it takes time for me to relax whenever I travel alone or I meet people for the first time, especially people of the opposite gender.. My antennae is up all the time.. I am asking myself these questions often enough,
Don’t I have the freedom to walk alone after it gets dark or in the wee hours of the morning, without fearing for my safety?
Can’t I travel alone in a bus or an auto or a train without worrying about being jostled or about the route that I am being driven in or about my safety?
Can’t girls of any age walk back home at whatever time of the day, without their mothers and sisters and aunts being worried on their safe return back home?Â
Should the profession that a woman chooses to be in, give the right for others to pass a judgement on ‘what’ she is?
May 5, 2017 at 6:18 am
I note that this particular posting as standing out from the other subjects in this blog, obviously because of the genuineness, enormity and complexity of the questions raised in anguish by a member belonging to a particular category of constituents of the holistic universe, the cause of the anguish being the behaviour of a few sizeable elements ( not all I suppose) belonging to the same category of constituents (but with a minor-is it minor?- variance in their constitution, which the both categories of constituents themselves have recognised and named it as sex for easy references).
Sorry if I have a produced a very long sentence to just state that it is an outstanding subject of a unique nature, due to my vocabulary limitation in a language that is not my mother tongue, but, which I have boldly chosen as my means of communication due to there being no other viable alternative!
With the same boldness (boldness because in spite of the risk of myself may be suspected of bias, being member of the same sex whose behaviour or attitude has given rise to this anguish), I have decided to dwell on the subject a little deeper, although it is a very tough and tricky subject to do so, especially by a person belonging to the same sex whose attitude has given rise to these wonderful points put forth by the blogger (belonging to the opposite sex). Sorry again for making the prologue longer, but can’t help!
I have mustered courage to dwell on the subject to raise a view, ‘why not look at the whole problem in a way that is appropriate, so that we move on dealing with life with its inherent hurdles more intelligently than we are doing now.
In order that I am least misunderstood (!), I pondered over the subject repeatedly and decided that the best way to begin will be with giving views ( I have decided not to use the word ‘response’) on the questions raised by the blogger.
I have avoided the questions of the blogger being repeated while giving my point of view in order that my postings do not become lengthy as the questions can be easily referenced from the blog itself and proceeded to air my points in the same order in which the questions have been raised.
1. You can certainly have the freedom (freedom who has to declare whether you have or not?) to walk alone, not only after it gets dark or the wee hours of the morning but any time during any day, but whether it is with or without fear is entirely in your hands.
2. You can travel alone in a bus or auto or a train or whatever, but whether it is with or without worrying about being jostled or the route through which you are taken is entirely is entirely in your hands.
3. The girls of your age (please note the incidents you have narrated seem to have happened over a range of years) walk back home at whatever time of the day, but how can we help the mothers sisters and aunts not worry about their safe return?
4. The profession that a woman chooses to be in does not certainly give the right for others (belonging to either sexes you mean?) to pass judgement on what ‘she’ is. How can there be a doubt?
I hope you are not bringing here the subject of governance or policing by authorities to make women’s life safe. That will then shift the responsibility to a different constituents and not to the males who are responsible (?), you agree and that is not your intention I suppose. You want the males to be more matured! With that presumption only I have proceeded to air my points.
The above views may sound that the person expressing them has taken the points lighter than what they deserve. But if they are carefully noted, they are not replied lightly. Let me state how. I have highlighted the point as entirely in your hands. That includes a whole lot, more particularly,
1. Your assessment of the designs of Nature which is responsible for our presence
2. Your perseverance in facing the risks Nature has designed to be associated with your presence
3. Your wisdom to manage the situation with faculties Nature has given you
4. Your inherent physical and mental power Nature has endowed you with
I think the above needs no elaboration, as it is Nature’s design that is responsible for the presence and any risks associated therewith in respect of the various constituents of universe.
But still one may raise a very pertinent question (from a woman’s perspective)- ‘why can’t the other sex be more matured and responsible in its behaviour and attitude towards opposite sex? The answer to this question is very obvious that is the way Nature has created all.
But it is a fact that one can’t be irresponsible by pointing fingers at Nature, no doubt. It is because though Nature alone is responsible for our basic presence here and our traits, it has given us enough faculties to make our lives safe and honourable and to that extent we are responsible. Such responsibilities vary with the nature of constituents. A women is endowed with different powers, a male is endowed with different faculties an animal yet another set and so on. Each member will mature in their own way in the process of evolution, no doubt!
Remember, the universe is too large to be free of aberrations. In fact I have suspicion that Nature has wantonly done that way, so that the constituents are always alert!
But the System has certainly given us a variety of faculties- abilities, boldness, choices, discretion, energy, freewill, grit, handles, intelligence, judgement, know-how, lessons, morals, nerves, opportunities, points of view, qualities, robustness, skills, thoughtfulness, utilities, workarounds, (e)xcellence, yellow-line-cautions and zeal to deal with the situations and our success lies in making use of them rather than lamenting over what are not entirely in our hands.
Happy coursing!
April 20, 2017 at 12:31 pm
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyway, just wanted to say wonderful blog!
http://educationhints.eu
April 20, 2017 at 7:04 pm
Thanks for posting your comment.. would like to know how you came across this blog?