We battle with others, thru words, looks and silences..  We battle with ourselves constantly.. The more I thought about why we battle with others and ourselves, only one reason kept occurring to me – our expectations.

As I wrote out these two words ‘Our expectations’, it seems simple enough but it also seemed overwhelming. Simple enough to ask, ” Two words can be the reason for many a battle?”; and complex enough to ask, “Why are these expectations such a heavy baggage to carry? Why should they be carried at all?”.

There are so many roles that we don, with each role requiring a different hat (in different shapes and sizes)  and each role interacts with different people. If this does not seem complicated enough, to add a few more variables – the people we interact with are playing their own roles and are wearing their own different hats. Different roles, different hats and different people.. Well!! the many permutations and combinations can be imagined!!

We have no choice in the roles that we need to play.  ‘The hat’ is the way we are and the way we act in a particular role. We expect that the person with whom we are interacting with dons a hat that is similar to ours; which means they are and should act in a way that we expect them to. The hat that we pick up to fit the role, is where the challenge originates? Perhaps…

We have picked up a hat that is comfortable for us and which we we think is fit for the situation. The person who we are interacting with could be playing a different role and hence will wear a hat that is comfortable for them; and which they think fits the situation. Valid, inst it?

For example, if we are playing the role of a parent, we have our own expectations from our child(ren) in every interaction. Our daughter(s) or son(s)  in their role as children, have their own expectations in every one of their interactions with us, their parents. As much as our expectations are valid, so are theirs and vice versa.

Taking another example, when we are playing the role of a doctor, we have our own expectations of how a patient should be with us; similarly a patient consulting a doctor comes with their own expectations of how a doctor should be with them. As much as the doctors’ expectations are valid, so are those of the patients’ and vice versa.

We could extend this to any two roles that interact with one another..

These situations can be further compounded by hearing from people who are playing similar roles, on their experiences in similar situations.. If their experiences resonate with us, we expect similar experiences too and we are already imaging that to happen.. The expectations therefore are doubled now.

Compounding this even further, when we play or have played the role of the person we are interacting with, we would have played it differently. If so, we then expect the person who is now interacting with us from that role to behave in the same way we did.. The expectations now is tripled.

We now have our own sand castle of expectations that we have watered, beautified  and built with. Any turbulence to this sand castle of expectations will only shake our very foundation. What took time and effort to build is being shaken and that creates fear, insecurity and helplessness. These three feelings gather momentum and result in anger against the person who according to us, was the cause for the turbulence..

Each one of us handle this anger created by fear, insecurity and helplessness, in our own ways. Some of us vent our anger immediately thru words and looks; this creates a rift in the relationship which may or may not be repairable. There are times when we regret the venting out and wish we had refrained. This certainly leads to a conflict within ourselves. We keep going back to this time and again and wish we could change the past.

Some of us stay in stony silences not wanting to vent out, which could lead to tanking of the feeling of anger, which builds up over time and leaves its own mark  We have our moments when we wish we did not stay quiet and had the courage to vent our feelings.

Be it vented anger causing a rift in a relationship or a stony silence causing dissonance and disharmony in oneself, the repercussion caused by unmet expectationsgives rise to some questions within us:

– Is it wrong to have expectations?

– Why should I not have expectations?

– Is it possible for others to be the way I want them to be?

– Is it possible for me to be the way others want me to be?

– How do I handle this?

 

Being born as humans, it is but natural to have expectations.. However, expecting those expectations to be fulfilled and in the way we expect them to be, is where we perhaps need to ponder upon..Herein lies our intelligent thinking and appropriate action, which would contribute to our happiness and growth.. Needless to say that our happiness and growth can create a ripple effect in the lives of others as well..