Expectations and change comes as a package.. When others do not meet our expectations, we many times expect them to change.. When we do not meet others expectations, they many times expect us to change..While we may not have control on the change that others bring in themselves, we certainly have control on our own actions.
What this blog is going to focus on is ONLY what is within our control..
Why do we change? Do we change because we HAVE TO change or because we WANT TO change?
There are people who say that they do not have a choice BUT to change; and there are those who say that there is a choice and they change because they WANT to change..
Be it a HAVE TO change or WANT TO change, isnt it because we perceive a NEED TO change?
It is rather interesting to observe that we may decide to bring in a change in ourselves, for any or few of the reasons mentioned below..
The decision is taken but is there a conviction in the decision to change or rather do we know why we need to change or do we change willingly??
I am taking one example for each of these reasons and analysing the impact if the conviction to change is not present..
1. We have been asked to change – The mother of two children was advised by a few friends to be firm with her children. This is as she constantly told her friends that her children were not listening to her and that was stressing her out. Her friends had given the advice after seeing the way she was interacting with her children. She tried putting effort to be firm with her children but found that she could not sustain it.. She would be firm with them but the next minute will hug them and then find ways to be soft with them. This was not helping as the children also were able to see the gap in what their mother was doing and used it to their advantage. When she was asked she replied, “You told me to change and I did but I am neither comfortable nor convinced about it”..
2. In order to maintain harmony in relationships – A 40 year old says, “I am a person who loves being with people and my profession demands that I interact with people, be it a man or a woman. I also love being with people. My spouse is possessive and not comfortable when I speak to people from the opposite gender. This aspect is a bone of contention between us and to maintain harmony at home else my children would suffer watching us pick fights every other day, I make sure that my spouse is with me when I attend get-togethers; I am just myself if my spouse does not accompany me.. This is not something I am doing willingly and hence adds a lot of pressure on me.
3. We think it makes others and us ‘feel’ better – This 18-year old says that she is always crossing swords with her father. He feels she is rebelling against whatever he says and this gives to rise to many an argument between them. She says, “Of late my father has been having a few health problems and in one or two occasions he has mentioned that these arguments were causing stress and hence the health issues. I have started accepting whatever he says. It makes me ‘feel’ better for him but I get so frustrated and angry many times because I am not able to say what I want to say. I don’t like what I am becoming and I don’t like myself.
4. It is for one’s own betterment – I have heard a few people say that they change because they get a feedback from people who matter to them, people whose advice / suggestions they value the most, on why they need to change in certain traits.
In their own way points 1, 2 and 3 are inter connected. In each of these points, the change that happens is because one may feel forced into it and not willingly. This has its own impact on the mental and physical state of the individual people.
From my personal experience and also from what people have shared, when we are convinced of the change that we need to bring in, we are also able to assert ourselves. There is harmony within ourselves and this has an effect on the self esteem.
There are though some questions that occur:
Is it always possible to be convinced to change? Do we have that luxury of the time?
Is it ok not to change for others?
So what if we don’t change, just be ourselves and there is disharmony in the relationship?
How do we make a conscious decision to change ONLY if we really think we need to?
How do we handle those voices of dissonance in ourselves when we bring in a change to ourselves, as in points 1, 2 and 3?
May 7, 2017 at 2:55 am
When we are convinced of the change that we need to bring in, we are also able to assert ourselves. There is harmony within ourselves and this has an effect on the self esteem ‘on the positive side only’ (words within quotes added for clarification!).
Is it always possible to be convinced to change?
Yes, barring judgement error (!) even after introspection (?). Self esteem is a myth then (amAniTvam).
Do we have that luxury of the time?
You may or may not but you have no other alternative except to find time, for, only if you are convinced you shall change! (Arjavam). But holding as if no time is not aDambiTvam.
Is it ok not to change for others?
No, it is not, but you have the previous questions and answers guiding you and a situation can hardly arise then. (Arjavam again)
So what if we don’t change, just be ourselves and there is disharmony in the relationship?
Why you shouldn’t change if you are convinced and where is therefore disharmony? Yes, if you are convinced you don’t need to change, then disharmony will be there indeed and you have no option but to live with it if you have no options to quit. Such situations will be rarest of the rare in cases we need a normal life with preferences likes and dislikes, for others living with you are humans facing similar dilemma! (KshAnTi(!)
How do we make a conscious decision to change ONLY if we really think we need to?
With conviction, what is the problem? (No himsa there) Self esteem again? there is nothing called self esteem if one is convinced that the change has occurred as a result of a correctional action (amAniTvam again).
How do we handle those voices of dissonance in ourselves when we bring in a change to ourselves, as in points 1, 2 and 3?
Point 1 arises because of absence of sthairyam;
Point 2 and 3 can be managed with ATmavinigraham and Arjavam- spouse and father respectively can be convinced with KshAnTi and saucham (they will get to know sooner or latter). If they do not unfortunate, but the other party’s ‘arjavam’ is in tact.
Sounds easier said than done? That is the way life is!
Otherwise there won’t be questions and answers and scores of Councillors.
P.S. (Disclaimer?) Errors and omissions excluded!