Here’s to today…

I stopped myself. Gosh!! What was I doing!!! Being a self critic? Criticizing myself? Again? Can I never stop?

I could not stop sleep that night.. After my children and grandchildren left, I tossed and turned and after a few minutes, went to the window and sat on the granite platform. The full moon was shining brightly as though inviting me to walk down the memory lane, while it sheds light on the road ahead. 

When did I start being a self critic? When did I start criticizing myself? I don’t remember being like that when I was in school, not even when I was a college student. When did it begin? I had no answers but it seemed to have started somewhere. I remember reading that all our feelings are inside us. They just manifest and show themselves to us, when certain incidents trigger these feelings. Perhaps this is what it really is. 

My mind went back to some incidents that happened in my life. As these incidents tumbled in front of me, in no particular sequence, I thought of what I should have done at that time.. Perhaps I would have nipped in the bud, my being a self critic and me criticizing myself – to lead a life that could have been more peaceful. 

I had a friend who found it extremely difficult to say something positive about whatever I did. We had been friends for many years and this friend mattered so much to me that I will not counter anything this friend said. My first thought always would be, “Oh, maybe that is right. I am sure I would have made some mistake. Otherwise why would it seem to be understood this way?”. This happened so many times that at one point I started talking to myself in the same way, on behalf of my friend. 

Looking back, I should have stopped my friend from constantly finding fault with whatever I was doing. I should have put my foot down and told my friend not to do it any more. 

I had started working and it was my first job. I had a boss who constantly told me to learn from the way others were doing things. I was told to be like them. I wanted to ask my boss, “Do I not have anything in me that others could learn from? Do I not have my own individuality?”. I started feeling that others are better than me and that something was wrong with me. Over a period of time, I started talking to myself on my boss’s behalf.  

Looking back, how I wish I asked my boss both these questions and stood my ground at all times; and also said, “Maybe you should learn to tell others too to learn from me; and say it in front of me.”

There have been many moments when my teenage daughter and son have told me in a fit of anger, “You don’t know how tough it is for us. All my friends’ parents are so nice that my friends get to do what they want to do. Why can’t you be like them?”. I have felt so miserable hearing this, that I have gone out of my way many times to please my children. Over a period of time, I started talking to myself on my children’s behalf.

Looking back, maybe I should have told them, “This is who I am. You have got an awesome parent in me. Respect me for what I am and be happy that you have me as your parent.”

I had a relative who constantly told me how to manage my professional and personal life and that I should learn to keep my career ahead always. I would be always pointed to the people I should learn from. Over a period of time, I started talking to myself, on my friend’s behalf. Looking back, how I wish I told my relative that each one of us is different and that my context is not the same as someone else’s; and so he could just stop comparing.

At one juncture listening to all this, I felt that I was doing something wrong in life and that I was not worth doing anything at all.. With every incident that happened, I started to talk to myself on others behalf, to the extent that even when others appreciated me for what I did, I would not believe them. I would think that I could have done better. I would look at what I did with a fine toothcomb and pick a fault, that is just not there. Well, it came to a stage when someone who barely knew me told me, “I won’t tell you anything because nothing will make you happy”. This statement shook me deeply. I cried inside myself and wanted to shout at him saying, “No, that’s not true. I am a happy person”. 

That one statement changed something in me, A few days later, when a friend of mine told me, “It is so lovely to see you as a changed person. I really appreciate this change”, I said, “I am lovely whether I have changed or not. I am also lovely whether anyone appreciates me or not.”.

The moon seems to shine brighter now and I am wondering, “Who is lovely? Me or the moon? Well, I am sure it is both the moon and me”. 

As I stand at the door of 70 years, here is what I want to share with everyone of you reading my story

– when someone tells you something not very positive about you for the second time, and if you know it is not true, tell them so and keep moving on. You have already listened to it once and thought about it. Your time and space is too precious to be listening to it for the second time

– when someone tells you something that you think is not applicable to your context, say so and move on. They don’t need your justification

– no one can be compared to anyone else. Each one of us is different. Remember, others have as many strengths and vulnerabilities as you have. It is just that they are different

– draw a big, thick and dark insulation layer around yourself. The moment you find that someone is trying to step inside this layer by saying or doing something that would hurt you, bring that layer up to insulate yourself – a layer that would become opaque to you, so that you cannot see the other person

– the next time you just begin to critic or criticize yourself, take both your hands to your ear lobes and pull them hard. When you smilingly wince with pain, take your hands off pulling out the self critic or the criticizing person in you. Well, this self ‘critic’ing person is stubborn and will quickly come back to you. Every time you pull the person off, you will start seeing a difference in yourself

– don’t tell others what others told you, which made you feel low about yourself, made you criticizeb itself

I walk back slowly to my bed, enlightened and wiser. Before closing my eyes, I think of the old man so serene and radiant and say,”Here’s to today, to yet another phase in my journey of life.”