It was the bellowing of a cow that caught my attention, from the time I woke up. The bellow was loud and could be heard every few seconds. It was a gut wrenching bellow that the cow was making and no matter how much I attempted to, I could not but pay attention to it. After resisting and trying to block this disturbing bellowing, I asked my household help (who spent many years in a village) why a cow would bellow like this. She said that if the calf she had given birth to, had died or if the calf was separated from her within a few moments or a few days of birth, she would make this kind of a bellow, as though airing her angst out. As she was explaining, the sound just got louder (or was it my perception that it got louder?).

Setting the thought of eating my breakfast aside, I decided to step out and find the whereabouts of the cow and the reasons for her bellowing, as I had a fair idea on where she could be located (going by the direction from where it was coming). As I walked towards the direction of the sound, I wondered what I would do if she were in the backyard of a house. Should I knock on their door and ask? Will they tell me the reason for her cry? (atleast  that’s what I think it was) What if the house was locked and there was no one to ask? If I go near the cow to pacify her, will she kick me?

For a few moments of my walk towards the direction of the sound, I did not hear her bellow. I stopped wondering if I should go back. As though knowing what I was going to do, she sent out another bellow. I walked in the direction of the sound and finally found her. She was tied to a pole in a school nearby and around her was cow dung, hay and a calf tied quite a distance from the cow and to another pole. Was this her calf?

I was not sure as the cow was black and the calf was brown. Well, if this is natural for the cow and her calf to be in different colours, I sure don’t enough about cows. As I peeped into the area where the cow was tied, a lady came out of the school and she looked as though she would have some answers to my questions. She looked baffled when I asked her why the cow was bellowing for more than a couple of hours. She said that she was not aware of it. She said that they had brought the cow from a farm, in lieu of a function. She also said that the cow could be bellowing as she was separated from the herd in the farm and that is her way of expressing her grief. She did not know whether the calf was one of this cow. I came back home a little relaxed, now that I got some answers. After that I did not hear much of the bellowing. Was it because I was not tuned into it? Or did she reduce the frequency and intensity? No answers I have to these two questions :-). Much as I tried tuning into it, could not hear the same frequency of the bellow (guess I was not within the same wavelength now :-)).

As individuals, each one of us have our moments of grief. The reason for the grief can be different – pain or sickness, death of family member or friend, breaking of a relationship, moving to a different place, losing a job etc., And these moments of grief can be at a different intensity for different people. The way each one of us handle the grief may also be different.

Some of us take time to come over the grief, some of us don’t seem to come over it at all, all through our lives and some of us just push it deep down and just want to move on. Irrespective of the time that it takes, we are for some time enfolded in the grief stricken moments and experience it deeply during for some time.

How do we handle our grief? Some of us

–  Eat and eat and eat (bulimia) as though all that eating drowns the grief

–  Take to alcohol, smoking or even drugs

–  Attempt to take our own lives

–  Go shopping and just buy and buy and buy (all that purchase just gives a bit of calm, they say)

–  Chop our hair (I hear many women taking to this step)

–  Throw things and if we are in the kitchen, then one can hear the banging and bashing of pots and pans

–  Go shhhh quiet and that scares people more than any other reaction we may show

–  Will scream at anyone and everyone who crosses our path

–  Lock ourselves in the bathroom and rant, rave and cry there (there are people who say “If the walls of my bathroom could talk, they will have stories to tell)

–  Rebel at anything that is told to us

–  Ask “Where is god? Prayers are of no use and there is no god.”

The list may go on and on..

People seeing us in our aggrieved state have their own solutions that they would like to give (of course with a well meant intent)

–  What has happened has happened, you just need to move on

–  I am there for you, whenever and whatever you want, ask me

–  Meditate, be calm and do some pranayama. This will get better soon

–  Have also faced such situations. I have learnt to handle them. One day, I will share with you

–  Take a vacation, go somewhere to spend a few days and come back refreshed

–  Birth and death will happen to all of us. It is a part of life. I know it is difficult. You need to be strong to help the others in your family

–  It is a new place for you, but you will make new friends soon

–  So what if you have failed now?Failure is the stepping stone to success

–  You should not cry like this. Things will be fine soon

Grief strikes in everyone’s life. How alert are we to our own or to another person’s grief? Are we tuned to hear our own grief or the grief of another person?

A person in grief, be it a child or an adult may actually hit out, be it through words or action. Quite unfortunately, control seems to desert us in those moments of grief. We may just not want anyone around us and may want to be left alone; but we may actually make a note of the people who were there and perhaps who were not there with us during those moments of our grief. No solace seems enough and nothing seems to satisfy the grief in us. We want to move on and yet not able to do so.

There are some people who however suppress all that grief and attempt to move on in life. Some may also try to make jokes to help them lift their spirits. We hear many a comedian say “Behind all our laughter and jokes, there is a pained person buried deep inside”. The suppression may make its presence felt thru physical and mental illness in some of us, that takes a lot of effort and time to tide over.

Is there a prescription for one to tide over the grief? Is there a solution to help someone to tide over grief? I am not sure there can be one prescription or one solution to tide over the grief. We know ourselves better than anyone else knows us. Even in that moment of grief, if we can spend some time to think of ourselves and what we need to do, we would be able to handle our grief and ourselves with aplomb.

I remember hearing a woman  say, “When my marriage broke, I was devastated, We did not have any children who would go through their own agony due to our breakup. I could not face any questions that were being asked and I went and stayed in a hotel for a few days. I had a close friend who would come every evening after work, and stay with me in the hotel. She will go to work the next morning and return in the evening to stay with me. We will not speak a word to each other. This went on for a week. Her silence just calmed me, and told me that I was not alone.”

It is extremely important for each one of us to be alert, spot our moments of grief and to go thru those moments without attempting to suppress them. This is what will help us to take support from ourselves or others and to understand and accept our grief, thereby healing ourselves faster. It is equally important for each one of us to be tuned to the others’ grief and allow them to go thru their moments naturally.  Time being called the best healer, can we also be there for them to lean on us, if and when they need a shoulder to lean on?