A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to first read the 3 parts of  ‘Stroke in the canvas called ‘The Value of Values’ and part 1 of the Value ‘ahimsA’. You may also choose to read the two blogs on the values of  amAnitvam and adambhitvam, though they are not a prerequisite to reading this value.  The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon these values, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

Two friends were talking to one another. Pramati was the kind to talk straight and minced no words; and also was of the thought that it is better to talk straight than to hold anything back. Jagruti was of the kind who felt that talking straight was good but it was equally important to watch one’s words and tone while talking. She also thought that both the words and tone when perceived as harsh, has the capacity to hurt the person who was receiving the words and tone. 

Pramati: I really don’t understand this. I think it is better to be frank and straight forward in whatever we do. People also say that they like it when I am frank and candid and that they appreciate it when I talk my heart. Why is it then difficult for the same people to take it, when I talk straight? Why do they say that I am harsh, that I am rude, that my body language also comes across as equally harsh?

Jagruti: Do you feel like that sometimes? That you speak harshly or that you come across as rude? What goes through you, when you speak what comes to your mind?

Pramati: Actually, I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. I just want to say what I feel and I say only what I think needs to be said and done. What’s wrong in that? You have been my friend for so many years, you tell me, is that how I come across? 

Jagruti:  Pramati, can you answer my questions – are there times when you feel that you come across as being harsh or being rude? What goes through you, when you speak what comes to your mind?

Pramati (thinks for a while before answering): Actually, there are times when I feel that I shoot off my mouth without thinking. I am just unable to stop myself from uttering words. They are not swearing or foul words but words that tumble from me so fast that I cannot take them back. As for what I feel when I shoot off my mouth, there is something closing in in me. Something just pulls me inside a shell and everything in me just closes in. You know what it it is to feel as though you are drawing into a shell? I feel stiffly shaky. That’s how it is.

Jagruti: Hmmn. Can you elaborate on what you are saying?

Pramati: Ok. Just day before yesterday, I got really angry with my colleague. I had asked for his help to complete some work and he had agreed to help. He did not finally render the help and when I met him, I just got so angry that I shouted at him and felt like giving him a tight slap.

Jagruti: And what did he say? 

Pramati: He did not say anything. Though after I shouted at him, I realised that he was not looking comfortable and he just said that he had to leave and he left in a huff. He was the one who made a mistake but I felt as though I made a mistake. I do feel bad about shouting but I am not able to say sorry to him either. I know I should NOT have shouted but I don’t think I was completely in the wrong. I feel I was provoked to it because he did not render the help as committed. (Pauses for a moment before talking again) Actually looking back, these days I am aware that people’s expression changes after they get shouted at by me and some of them refrain from talking to me for days afterwards. 

Jagruti: Pramati, I want you to listen carefully. Since you asked me how you come across, let me also share. This is not the first time, you have got angry and shouted. I have seen this happening more than a few times. 

Let’s take the incident you shared – There is nothing wrong in the thought of slapping him occurring to you. That thought just came and you have no control over it and that applies to all of us too. We have no control over any thought occurring to us. And what we do NOT know, we cannot stop.  There were those days when I used to get angry like you and will feel like slapping the person I was angry at. Occurrence of a thought is NOT himsA as it DOES NOT actually hurt the other person but giving into that thought and putting it into action IS himsA. 

What you did after that thought occurred to you was beautiful – controlling that urge to slap him and THAT IS ahimsA. Such thoughts may continue to come to you especially when you are really angry. However, when you stop putting them into action, over time these thoughts minimise and perhaps will stop occurring too. 

Pramati: Are you saying this to make me feel better? Actually many others have also told me that when I get angry I don’t know what I am saying and I don’t know how I look in that anger.

Jagruti: Pramati, I am so happy for you. The beauty of life is when one becomes aware of oneself, one’s emotions and the outward projections of their emotions. The fact that you are saying that these days you are seeing people’s reactions to your shouting, is growth within you. You were not aware of this fact earlier and that is perhaps because you are so engrossed in your own priorities and emotions that you are unable to see beyond that, to see others’ emotions and priorities. Is that wrong? No, it is not. We are all humans with our own fallacies and ignorance. We are though given the faculty to think and that thinking is what makes us to be aware of ourselves and others. This thinking needs to be happen consistently for us to grow internally. 

Pramati: Jagruti, we have been friends for many years now. I have also seen you getting angry many times. But of late, you speak with a measured tone and you are equally careful of the words you use. More than all that, you seem to be bouncing back to your cheerful self really fast. Though what you say to others is still powerful, there seems to be some difference. You also speak your thoughts but it is certainly different from the way mine comes out. What you say may make them uncomfortable but it does NOT seem to hurt them. Measured tone or words does not seem feasible for me. How do you do it? Can I become like you? 

Jagruti: This is going to take some time for me to share my experiences.  I have not become what I am, overnight. It has taken me time and effort to be what I am. It is not rocket science but it is not easy either. Can we continue this discussion tomorrow or day after? This will give me time to think on what I need to share. 

Pramati: Sure. This will also give me time to contemplate on how things have been in my life, my own growth from being unaware of hurting others with my words and actions and now to being aware of how I am, if I go by what you have seen and shared. I though am still wondering how I can change more. 

Jagruti: If you have come this far, you can travel far more ahead also. You need to just give yourself the time and space for more awareness and the change to happen. More than anybody else, what I would like to see is you showing ahimsA to yourself. I see you hurting yourself more (if not equally) than you hurt others. Charity always begins at home, my dear Pramati.

I would like to just share one thought for you to ponder upon, till we meet again tomorrow or day after – when you give time and space to yourself, you also learn to give time and space to others. This freedom that you give to yourself and to others will help you to contribute and achieve more, isn’t it?