It has been almost 11 months since the passing on of Mr. D.. I wouldn’t say time flies in this context and neither will I say that time is a good healer.

There are moments when time just stood in my mind, lost in my memories of Mr. D – some making me sob and some making me smile. The wound of his physical presence not being there, is still raw and time helps to handle but not heal.

Some thoughts loom large –

– Why should he experience what he did?

– He was so young to move on..

– There was so much of fun.. Was it too good to last!!!

Some thoughts and questions have no justifications and answers..

There wasn’t any specific way to handle the grief but constantly bringing back the fun moments with him and crying when tears appear, was a big big big help.

Recently we had a couple of colleagues who did an activity called ‘Gratitude Heart’. On an A4 size paper, a heart is  drawn and it can be partitioned into parts, with each part being for someone or some relationship or some experience etc etc etc to be thankful to or thankful for.

When I drew the ‘Gratitude Heart’, I had many parts to it  but I wasn’t able to bring myself to put a name or relationship or experience to any of the part. The parts in my view, were boundaries I was placing on paper but in life, people, relationships and experiences would be moving in and out. There is a flow and fluidity in that movement. I therefore would rather draw the parts but leave the space as is.

Going to the terrace (for perhaps the second time after he passed on) which used to be a place I would take him to, almost every other day, flooded me with memories. Thoughts of this ‘Gratitude Heart’ occured to me.

I truly understood the meaning of the term ‘My heart is filled with gratitude for …’. At that moment, there is no one else in the mind and the heart except whoever or whatever we feel gratitude for. In my case, my heart was filled with gratitude for Mr. D –  it was just him and him.

There were so many things to be grateful to him for.. here’s a few..

– He came home a few months before COVID, when he was a month and half old. By the time he and we kind of settled in with each other, it was COVID time. He was the game changer at home. Didn’t know who was running behind whom and running away from whom. Despite being in a lockdown, none of us felt the claustrophobic part of being at home all the time

– He was someone I would vent out to, especially in three specific occasions – the first one when I lost my only sibling and the other two after my ankle reconstruction surgeries. I would just vent and he would just listen. He would give an unsolicited bark at times but thats the package Mr. D comes with. My vent continued and so did his unsolicited bark 🙂

– He was my Ninjutsu training partner, during my practice sessions in the terrace. There was a time or two when he ran down the stairs and I wasn’t able to run at that speed and so my practice would always be near the terrace entrance door. If anyone comes to the terrace, I can ask them to close the door or quickly block the door, so stop him from running down. What a training partner he was!! He would look at me wide eyed sometimes and at times would think that that tool was for him!!

– I was petrified and am still petrified of dogs and don’t really give them a stroke unless I feel unthreatened. However, he has helped me in being a little less petrified

– He would be terrified of water and bath is a strict no no for him.  Pre bath time is shiver time for him. He would shiver so much and would need some minutes of gentle talking before he can be taken for a bath. There would still be shivers and resistance but much lesser than what it was before the talking. I didn’t know that I could calm an animal by my talk. It was a revelation of sorts and helped me understand another facet to myself

– For four and half years, there was so much fun and laughter at home – never a dull moment.. if he would find any of us arguing, out will come a few barks and our attention will go to him and the argument kept aside for a while or forgotten 🙂

– He was like a bodyguard of sorts at home. He was one of those ‘Barking dogs don’t bite’. Only bark and no bite and still a bodyguard – and he was a double hound – part Doberman and part Chippiparai ( a Rajapalayam variant)!!! Some people loving double hound he would be!!!

Mr. D gave a lot of meaning and purpose to all of us at home, in the years he was physically with us; and continues to give us, in spirit.

I can imagine him moving in the different parts of my drawn ‘Gratitude Heart’, filling in every space – sniffing and drooling and barking and stretching in the sarpAsana pose or the downward dog pose.

Like he would do on the bed, giving no space to anyone else, so he lives in my ‘Gratitude Heart’, this very moment.