MAnvi was seen muttering under her breath for quite some minutes, by her thAthA. That muttering according to her, is her way of talking to herself, to understand something. Her thAthA knew that any interruption to her muttering will disrupt her thinking and he generally avoided that. However he couldn’t resist smiling when he saw her furious muttering. He knew that this muttering would lead to a dialogue between them sometime soon. And the soon happened sooner indeed!!!

MAnvi: thAthA, when do you feel sad?

thAthA: Such an open ended question, MAnvi.. Can’t get away with just a yes or no :-).. Why do you ask?

MAnvi: thAthA, I know more often than not, that you are in a samattvam state of mind. However, is there the odd time or two when you feel sad?

thAthA: Go on, MAnvi.

MAnvi: Do you?

thAthA: Yes, Manvi. There are times when there is a tinge of diappointment or unhappiness; though it doesn’t last long.

MAnvi: It does for me, thAThA. Lasts for quite a while. I realise that it could be because of a feeling of hurt, anger or even a sense of shame.

thAthA: Elaborate, MAnvi.

MAnvi: Sometimes I am hurt with what someone has done, angry with their actions and feel shamed. It is hard when I question on what I did to warrant it. I may not have answers to the question. There is then that looming over sadness.

thAthA: So what do you do?

MAnvi: Sometimes nothing and over a while, I am able to move on because I know I can’t do anything about the actions of others. You know what is harder, thAthA? When I am sad for what I have done or said. This is because of hurt over my actions, anger at what I have done and feeling ashamed of myself for something I have said or done.

thAthA: What do you do about this?

MAnvi: Hope I don’t reach a breaking point.

MAnvi’s thAThA decided not to say anything or to prompt her. Her statement was heavily laced with a lot of emotions. He knew she was at a breaking point.

MAnvi: thAthA, why is it that I can be so tolerant of what others say and do, even when their actions and words make me sad and I am unable to extend that tolerance towards myself?

Easier to accept others for what they are and so hard to accept myself for what I am.

When I am unable to be tolerant of myself, I am not accepting of the person I am. When I am not accepting of myself, hard to bring a change in myself. I am continuously hurt over my actions, angry at my actions and feel ashamed of my actions.

There is always a heavier another ounce, another heavier ounce, another heavier ounce.. There is then the heaviest ounce thus far. At that moment, it is either a breaking point or a moment of truth.

thAthA: Now this is an interesting shift, MAnvi!!

MAnvi (with a smile after quite a while): thAthA, when I reach the breaking point, I am not able to accept what I have done which represents to me – what I am or how I am..

or it could be a moment of truth, when I understand why I did what I did and I say to myself, “This is who I am and it is what it is”.

You know what, thAThA – that moment of truth is very liberating and it is as though I have broken from the shackles I have put on myself. At that moment, there is an incredible joy in me, for accepting myself for the person I am. It is then I decide that if I need to change, I can. It is MY choice.

thAthA, it is a fine line between the breaking point and moment of truth.

– The breaking point happens when I am able to accept myself no further..

– The moment of truth happens when I am ready to face the truth about myself, that this is who I am. More than others accepting me for who or how I am, I need to accept myself..

When I accept myself, I tolerate myself..  I am at peace with myself.. and like you, gain samatvam – Taking pleasure and pain with equanimity, as though they are one and the same.

I need no validation from others.. I need it from myself..

MAnvi’s thAthA’s smile was back, though this time it was at the shift of the conversation and the shift in MAnvi’s thinking..

Her moment of truth –  I need no validation from others.. I need it from myself.. When I accept myself, I tolerate myself..  I am at peace with myself.. I gain samatvam – Taking pleasure and pain with equanimity, as though they are one and the same.

NOTE: This blog is based on some learnings I took from a discurse of Pujya Swami Dayananda Saraswati.