A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to read the earlier published blogs on ‘Emotional Maturity’. They are NOT a prerequisite to reading this blog, though reading them would help in a better understanding of this blog. The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon, on the topic of ‘Emotional Maturity’, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

BhAvanA: Nice to meet you again, but what did you mean by background?

PrasAd: My My!! Such a minimal pleasantry, BhAvanA? And that too to a person with whom you need to continue the discussion?

BhAvanA (smiling): All pleasantries later. Can we continue where we left off last time – background?

PrasAd: Hmmn, how do I explain this? Ok, let me use an example to explain ‘background’. I go to the shop with my son. We are in the same floor of the shop but a good fifty meters away from each other.  He is looking at toys and I am looking at books. He shouts out from where he is, asking me for a toy that costs Rs. 210/-. I say no. He shouts out again. I say no again. There are a few people watching this exchange between us. He asks loudly once again. I look at him and say that it is beyond the budget of Rs. 200/- that we had agreed upon, before coming to the shop. He is ready to start kicking and screaming. An old lady who has been watching this, comes to me and says, “How can you do this to your child? He is asking for something that is just Rs. 10/- more. If you want I will pay for it”. I got really angry with her, snapped at her and said that I could afford that extra 10 rupees. She was close to tears. I did not know what to do. She was near the exit of the shop, when I stopped her and apologised for my rudeness. She then shared that she used to be like me, when she was bringing up her children; talking to them about the importance of money and living within a budget. Apparently one of her children could neither understand nor accept this budgeting, and so took to stealing from others. The old lady hence does not want others to face what she faced, and so her offer. I then told her why I was doing the budgeting task with my son. She understood what I was attempting to do with my son, and gave me a few suggestions on how I could do it.

BhAvana: Poor lady!!! So there was more to her offer than what you saw?

PrasAd: Absolutely. That ‘more’ is the background that I was referring to. It helps to understand the background which makes the person act the way they are acting.

BhAvanA:, PrasAd, Isn’t that tough? I may not be able to understand the background behind someone else’s action, in most of my situations; and also may not want to.

PrasAd: Interesting, BhAvanA. Which means that in some situations you would be able to understand that there is a  background.

BhAvanA: When did I say that? I just said that it may not be possible in most situations.

PrasAd: Exactly. Remember that you did not say “in all situations.” That by itself means that you are aware that in some situations, it is possible to understand that there is a background.

Bhavana goes silent for a few minutes, sensing sense in what prasAd said.

BhAvanA: PrasAd, but it is NOT possible to ask someone always, the reason for why they are doing what they are doing.

PrasAd: And I am not asking you to do that also. I am just saying that we need to understand that there is a background, for someone to do what they are doing. That understanding alone would be a huge help. That actually would help to get past and move forward, both for them and for us.

BhAvanA: You are right. As you were talking, I rewound to the many situations, where there was a background for people to act the way they did. Understanding that would have saved me a lot of stress and tension. So it means that it is a fact that others are acting the way they are, and it is also a fact that there is a background to what they are doing. It is equally a fact that the way they are acting, may trigger a reaction in me. Oh my god!! Everything just boils down to facts, isn’t it? And we need to accept these facts.

I have a question though – We talk about others having a background for being the way they are, and that we should understand and accept it. What about us?

PrasAd: What about us?

BhAvanA: Why can’t we understand and accept the fact, that we also have a background for the way we behave? Why do we always castigate ourselves for the way we behave, for the way we do something, for the way we act in a certain way, especially if it is something that we do not approve of? At the time of doing something, we think it is appropriate isn’t it? In hindsight perhaps, we feel that we should not have done it. If others have a background to do what they did, does the same thing not apply to us? Emotional Maturity is not just in understanding and accepting others, but in understanding and accepting ourselves, isn’t it? Isn’t it a fact that we also have a background for us to be the way we are, in certain situations? Isn’t accepting that fact important for ‘Emotional Maturity’?

PrasAd: Gosh, BhAvanA. I have never looked at it that way. Does it mean, that I may not have thought of me being important to myself? Isn’t that being cruel to myself?

BhAvanA: PrasAd, it perhaps is a fact that you have not looked at yourself or your background. Now that you have, you know how to get past and handle this situation that you are facing.

– Remember that all of us including you and me, have a background that makes us behave or act in a certain way

– Understanding and accepting the background, helps us to get past and move forward

PrasAd: This is going to ring in my ears for the next few days to come, BhAvanA. Thank you is but a small word, for this revelation that you have given me.. You may get a call from me, if I want to pour out..

BhAvanA (with a grin): You can call me out for an ice-cream and do that as well..