Every thought that is expressed in this blog post is just what I think of myself. If any of you reading this blog post subscribe to my thought and have experienced something similar, welcome to the club. Glad to have company 🙂

It was during a discussion with a friend that I made this statement. I cannot really say that I made this statement just like that. There was perhaps a thought on these lines, ringing in my mind for quite sometime. Coming to think of it, there is no perhaps. I am sure it has been on my mind, with the wheels turning and turning in the background. It just surfaced at that moment, as words 🙂

What was this statement?

“At this point in time, I feel that I am just an instrument, which has been created to do something. I just do what needs to be done, to the best of my ability. On the other hand, if i don’t feel that I am an instrument, then I think ‘I’ have done everything. Then my ego overpowers me.”

After I made this statement, this thought parked itself firmly in my mind and marks its attendance every few minutes. The word ‘Instrument’ has just ensconced itself in my mind. Thoughts around this thought kept arising within me. Here are they…

– I am instrument sometimes. This thought occurs when I think I am contributing to someone else’s life. During these times,  others appreciating me for what I do, does not really seem to touch me much. Others not appreciating me or even saying something that is not positive about my actions, also does not matter much. I just keep doing what I need to do. Needless to say, when appreciation or negative feedback comes, there is that wee bit of joy and a wee bit of sadness respectively..

I am only a human to feel these emotions, aren’t I?

Oh wait, but an instrument is not supposed to feel this joy or sadness,  isn’t it?

Now here is the challenge – thinking that I am an instrument while I am actually a human, with all my baggage of feelings and emotions. 

Thoughts, feelings and emotions come as a package, bundled together..

– ‘I’ have done something. This thought occurs sometimes, especially when I did something because ‘I’ wanted to do it. This ‘I’, brings with it, its own impact. ‘I’ think I have done something awesome. This feeling of having done something awesome, makes me expect an appreciation from others and when it does not come, it gives a disappointment. On the other hand, when there is a negative feedback from others, there a wee bit of a sadness. Is it because I think I have not given my best? Is it because of the feeling of having done something awesome suddenly disappears? And if the negative feedback keeps coming constantly, then it does make me question my own actions, ending with a question I ask myself, “Why did I do what I did?”

– Between the two – of thinking that I am only an instrument and of thinking that ‘I’ have done something, the former appeals more.

There is truly something about the word instrument. There it goes again!!! This word popping up once again!!!

– Every time I think of myself as an instrument, I feel as though I am a pen which is used to write an incident in someone else’s life. This makes me more careful while doing what I do. Once what I am doing is completed, there are those moments of quiet, silence and calm. Moments when I feel like sitting frozen, wherever I am. I want time also to freeze, so that everything remains still. Quite unfortunately, time moves on and then I realize, that so should I.

– There is something amazing about not being touched by any lack of appreciation or negative feedback. The quietness, silence and calmness that it triggers within, is so comforting. This makes me move on in life, from one thing to another.. No being suspended in elation or in sorrow, for a long period of time.. No questioning myself or others.. No asking “Why did this happen?”..

An instrument that actively involves itself in a situation.. an instrument that quietly watches a situation unfolding, saying nothing and doing nothing else.. an instrument that adapts itself to the situation it has put itself in and acts in the way it thinks it should.. finally, an instrument that is endowed with the free will to make a choice and a decision, and evolve its own life.. so many variations of an instrument, which could very well be me!!!

My eyes are being drawn to the previous paragraph, again and again.. As I re-read the para, the words that have now got embedded in my mind are – ‘A powerful instrument indeed!!’