I walked into my house to see a few pairs of eyes on me. Each pair had a different expression.. One that showed anger, another that awaited to see what will happen next, one more that showed a disapproval and the last one that expressed a sympathy. “Whatever did I do wrong again?” was my question under my breath. I did not dare to say it aloud, as it means that I will increase the already raging wrath. 


The voice of my father raged, asking, “Where were you till now?” I look around at all the faces, then at my father and said, “School and then monastery”. He was visibly getting more angry at my reply, I look at him puzzled wondering why he was getting angrier. “Where were you after school and before the monastery?”. My eyes immediately fell and I knew I was caught. 


I have never been good at lying and after a few spoilt attempts, I have given up trying to lie. I since then try to give answers that definitely is not a lie but certainly not the truth either. If I tell my father that I was having fun, I am in for more trouble. 


It was tough not to smile when I thought of the time I had in that tree and that swing. But struggling to hide that smile from coming out, I quickly said the magic word that I have now got used to saying so very often, that it has lost its magic for me. It however seems to have a positive effect on my father all the time, if not immediately then a little while later. “Sorry”. 


He had to have the last word, “I will send your grand father to accompany you from school and back every day. He will make sure that you follow what I want you to follow”. I look at my grandfather who was looking at me sympathetically. 


Without looking at anyone, I ran inside the house and straight into the kitchen where I knew that there will be one of my favorite snacks that would have been made for me. She makes at least one favorite dish of mine everyday. Is this how my mother would have been to me? I don’t know as I don’t remember anything about my mother. But this lady who makes my favorite food everyday has been cooking in my house for as long as I know. She is my sounding bag. She was standing in the doorway of the kitchen and looks at me worriedly as I slow down my run towards her. “Why do you do what your father does not like?” I could see tears welling in my eyes. I quickly give her a hug and a kiss, take my snacks and run to my room. 


I threw my bag and flopped on my bed. “Why does he get so angry with me all the time? Why is whatever I do, wrong for him? Should I always do what he wants me to do? Why can’t I do what I like and what I want to do? I am not harming anyone by doing what I want to do.”


I have never asked him any of these questions. I could never bring myself to do anything except acquiesce to whatever he says. Every protest of mine will be within the 4 walls of my room. “Why do I rebel against what he wants me to do? If I had a mother, would that have made a difference? Would she have supported me? Would her presence have made me different? Why is he so soft and caring with my brother and not towards me? Why does my brother not support me when he sees my father raging at me? Why does my father shout at me in front of outsiders also? So many questions that I ask to myself. 


One day I wish I will tell him how much what he said hurt me. How much it made me cry. How much I wish he would show me a little part of that love he shows to my brother. Every day my questions and wishes only seemed to increase and I wish that I will develop the courage to ask him. One more wish!!!


I set all these questions and wishes aside, knowing fully well that I will neither ask nor say anything to my father; and knowing equally well that he will not allow me to even say beyond the first few words. 


I look at the snacks and with a smile I start eating them, my mind now making plans on how to make my grand father agree to my plans. I need to visit the tree and the monastery, everyday. 


What my father does not know cannot anger him and when he knows, it really does not matter. 


As if to echo my excitement of making my plans, the goldfish in the glass bowl jumps in water with a splashing sound  


A square peg in a round hole!!