The third in the series of tête-à-tête and on a topic that is evergreen. Ever since the first one in this series was published, Kavya has been wanting to schedule a tête-à-tête with me. When I asked her what the topic for the conversation would be, her answer was instantaneous.

Kavya: I want to converse on the topic of ‘Letting go’. It is hard to let go of what we like and that could range from holding a job, making a career and whether to or not to maintain a relationship. I am speaking on this aspect from being a woman and this is my perspective.

Many of us have been raised being told that as a girl and later on as a woman, we need to sacrifice for our family or thinking of the good for the society. We like to hold our job, make a career for ourselves or to maintain or to break a relationship. However, we may need to take a decision not to do any of these, because of what we have been told when we were growing up. We have to let go of what we like or value, to do what we have been told to do.

Letting go isn’t easy at all. I would go on to say that many times it is really really hard.

Me: I have a question – you say letting go is hard and at the same you also say that we let go of what we value or like, for the sake of others. Letting go for others is hard?

Kavya: Letting go takes a toll. Bouncing back after letting go is emotional and that  takes a harder toll.

Me: I get what you are saying. In my own experiences, I have found that when we let go of a relationship or anything we hold dear to heart, and we didn’t want to let go, it leads to a lot of conflict within ourselves. That conflict leads to a battle that first starts within and then is fought outside. Sometimes it is fought much more within and we don’t have the courage to fight outside. The internal conflicts lead to a wound and that takes time to heal.

What do you think makes us to let go of something we didn’t want to?

Kavya: Again speaking from my experience, the decision to let go of something I didn’t want to let go, could be due to quite some reasons..

– Happiness of my family

– Reminder from others and from myself, of my culture

– What would the society think of me if I do what I would like to do, especially if it is a road less traveled?

– What if everybody else was right and I was wrong?

etc etc etc

I realise that because I considered all of the above and let go of something I didn’t want to, I also let go of my identity. I am aware of this but not able to stop myself and that hurts. Let me share an example –

I had a friend who I trusted unconditionally. I had a lovely relationship with her, so much so that she became a part of my business. I would leave her in charge and would carry on my work. I heard from different people, that she was planning to start her own business in the same line and was working on this, while she was working with me. I did not initially believe this, given my close friendship with her but when I was shown evidence of what she was doing, I felt betrayed. However,  I couldn’t ask her anything, given my relationship with her. It was difficult for me to tell her to leave, as I was attached to her emotionally. It meant that I needed to let go of my relationship with her, which I think I was not ready for. I was hurting badly as well. Trust once broken cant be re-established, as there is always a niggling doubt about the person.

Me: That must have been a tough phase for you. It is like what is said about the broken mirror, isn’t it? The pieces of a broken mirror can’t be always put together and if they can be, it is never the same again. How did you handle this difficult phase?

Kavya: It wasn’t easy. We were close friends and we were in the business together. Balancing between the impact what my friend did, on my family business and letting go of the relationship was difficult. It had an impact on my sleep, my eating habits and also in my mental well-being.  When I trust someone, it is deep and unconditional. I couldn’t take her off my mind. The silver lining was – My family stood with me like a rock and that helped. At that time,  family was the go to people. In my family, we have the freedom to discuss anything. Since that helped, going for therapy wasn’t on the cards. Also twenty years back, mental well-being wasn’t on the radar.

What I realised at that time, was the importance of setting boundaries.

Me: I am curious to know – what is the connection between letting go and setting boundaries?

Kavya: When I have to let go of something, I need to say NO to my want to keep it. When I want to say no but cannot, then it is from the angle to please someone, maintain a relationship, keeping a relationship harmonious etc.  If I keep silent, then I am taken for granted and that as you said earlier, leads to conflicts. If I have to say no to conflicts, I need to set boundaries.

Me: Is setting the boundary for the other person or is it for ourselves? Does  letting go become easier when boundaries are set?

Kavya: It does because I then know what I need and what I don’t; what I value and what I don’t. It makes me at peace with myself. There is no blame game and there is no pressure from anyone. I feel empowered. I feel brave that I stood for myself. I feel independent, free and responsible for myself.

Me: OOH!! Thats a lot of benefits which are the outcome of letting go. Saying NO is asserting oneself and that is a major component of letting go. So many connections to the aspect of letting go, isn’t it?

Kavya: Exactly what I was thinking too. I live my life today in the way I want to live it. I live in the moment.

Me: Powerful statements. Love your statements and the way you have looked at your experience on a positive note.

Kavya: To add, saying no is external but letting go is internal.

Me: Explain that statement, Kavya.

Kavya: When I let go, it isn’t a material that I am letting go of. No one can see what I am letting go of. However, when I say NO, though I first say it within me, it is expressed explicitly. That is why letting go is internal and saying NO is external.

Me: Gosh!! That is also a powerful one. The process isn’t seen but the outcome is seen. TTransformation is seen. For that tranformation to happen, it would have been years of effort happening internally. What you are saying reminds me of te metamorphosis of a Butterfly.

Kavya: This is one analogy I love and glad you said it. From the pupa to the Butterfly, the time taken can be different for each Butterfly. However, the Butterfly decides the time to metamorphose. No one else can decide; and if they shorten the process, it damages the Butterfly.

Me: That is what you meant when you said that the person who controls the letting go, is the person themselves? They decide when to let go and why?

Kavya: When I decide to let go of my own volition and not influenced or pressured by anyone, then I am aware of what I am doing and why. It builds a sense of confidence within me and that is important for my growth as an individual. Like the Butterfly, I also fly!!

Coming to think of it, when I decided to have this conversation with you on this topic, I did not know that I will share and discuss so much. I feel good.

Me: Your own metamorphosis!!! This has been an interesting conversation for me as well – starting from letting go to metamorphosis of a Butterfly – so many connections made.

NOTE: Every tête-à-tête is so different and each one is as different as every Butterfly is.