Disclaimer: While me remains me, the name of the person this conversation was with, has been changed, to respect anonymity.

When I met Skanda for the tête-à-tête, his first few statements were –  People don’t really know who we are but they think of us in a certain way, based on the way they perceive our behaviours.

Me: Are you talking about friends or relatives?

Skanda: Both. I have six siblings and each of us are different. The way we react to a situation is also different. My father would travel and my parents could not raise all of us in the same place. They sent my elder brother and me to our grandparents home in our village. I was about 7 years old at that time. I didn’t know why I had to go and live with my grandparents and missed my parents, especially my mother. You know those days we would have no phone at home, isn’t it? Shops will have a phone or someone who could possess a phone, will. My parents would call when they can and we would have to go to a neighbour’s house to speak to them.

I remember the first time my father came to take my brother and me home, after about 6 – 7 months of us going to our village. I was so happy and excited and was eager to see my mother. I thought she will be waiting outside to greet us but she was in the kitchen. When I ran to her, she told us to wash our hands and legs first and then get into the kitchen. At that time, I don’t know why she did that but I shrunk inside.

My brother being older than me understood to some extent. I did not and could not. Sometimes that memory still hurts.

Me: Have you asked her about this, Skanda? Sometimes talking about it to the other person helps. If we don’t, then they don’t get to know how we are feeling. If they don’t know, they can neither explain nor can change, assuming they want to.

Skanda: No, I haven’t. I don’t know how to. At that time, I thought I did something wrong and that upset her.

I recall quite a few incidents that happened and my mother’s words, tone and body language clearly indicated that she wasn’t happy. Whether this was the case with everyone or only to me, I am not sure.  She was a graduate which was a big thing those days and wanted to work. She was and is an ambitious lady. Maybe when she couldn’t work with six of us children to raise and take care of, she was frustrated and showed her frustration in different ways.

Afte a couple of years of my brother and me moving to the village, my parents decided that it was time for us to go back and live with them.  I don’t remember much about it but except that we stayed as a family till the time I got married.

Me: That must have given you a lot of happiness.

Skanda: Hmmmn. I was happy in the village with my grandparents and all the extended family also. My grandparents and the other family members took care of us well but there was something missing. As I grew, I missed my mother more.

Me: I remember when I was young and my parents would leave me at my grandparents home as they had to travel somewhere, I would not want to stay with my grandparents. I would want to see my mother and would keep crying for her. Can to some extent understand how it may have been for you.

Skanda: We were living in a joint family and like in many joint families, arguments and fights erupted about different things. The blame game and pointing of fingers began. There was a lot of shouting from one person to another, . This shouting shrunk something inside me and gave a lot of discomfort. I thought that I was responsible for some of the fights, though I may not have been.

Me: What we experience in our childhood leaves an impact in us, isn’t it? That impact stays with us for many years and we also aren’t aware of it. It is only when we reflect on some of our actions, we realise what we have become.

Skanda: You are spot on. All the shouting I have heard since childhood, has resulted in me feeling very uncomfortable and when anyone shouts at me, I get a ‘shrinking’ feeling. There is that constant anxiety that, “Something will happen now”. I then met a therapist to help me understand myself.

Me: Meeting a therapist isn’t easy, given the age that we are in. Somewhere we feel that problems will sort themselves out. ‘We are our own therapist’ doesn’t work all the time.

Skanda: This therapist was so empowering. She made me realise quite a few things about myself. I have realised that everyone has an experience and even though there could be someone else with me in the same experience, how the two of us react is different because of the people we are.

I think that whatever has happened, has happened for me to experience and to grow. Some things haven’t changed much. I still haven’t gotten over my ‘feeling shrunk’ when someone shouts at me. I still feel guilty sometimes. Are all of us that way – carry our own guilt?

Me: We all do carry own own cross, don’t we? There are many moments in which we know we may not have done right. However, being guilty all the time, doesn’t help. There is no way we are always in the wrong. If we think so, then we are not fair to ourselves. This is the thought that is helping me to move on in life. I do feel guilty at times thinking that I am responsible for something that hasn’t gone right. The guilty feeling has reduced over the years, is what I know.

Skanda: I also know that my ‘feeling shrunk’ when someone shouts at me, has reduced. I keep telling myself – Why to be frightened? What will happen? Nothing will happen. I am standing up for myself. I am courageous. I feel safe with the person I am!! My grandmother will say – Life gives us lessons to live. That’s how I look at every experience – as a lesson to live!!

There was a silence after this and I knew that we had reached the end of our conversation. Skanda’s statement of “I feel safe with the person I am”, is doing the loops in my mind. Such an (em) powerful statement!!