As MAnvi looked into her thAthA’s room, she found him deep in thought and also getting ready to step out of the house. He looked at her and nodded his head, which was an indication that he wanted to be accompanied by her. For MAnvi, these were times she looked forward to, accompanying her thAthA outside. She never asked him why he wanted her to accompany him and he would also not explain. Neither would she ask where they were going. All she knew was that he would have a reason for her to accompany him and that she loved these moments with him.

thAthA: This is not a converstaion that you would have heard me having. There are those times when a thought weighs so heavily in the mind, that sharing with someone else is seen as being helpful. That is what I feel now.

There are times when what one thinks they know, they realise, is not what they know. Perspectives change and paradigm shifts happen within them.

MAnvi stayed quiet, given the tone in her thAthA’s voice  and not wanting to break the chain of his thoughts.

thAthA: MAnvi, what is vulnerability according to you?

MAnvi (deciding that he may have wanted an answer to that question and nothing else): It is when you are opening yourself or giving accessibility for being hurt or being targeted by others.

thAthA: It was my thought that vulnerability is a feeling that I should not preferably have. Why?

– When I want someone’s relationship, I am opening myself to a rejection

– When I share my deepest thoughts to someone in confidentiality, I can get hurt if they share with others

– When I seek help, I am showing to others that I am not capable enough

– When I talk about what I cannot do, others may not carry a positive opinion of me

So what did I do? I projected myself as strong and as a person who can handle anything that came my way. I cloaked myself, I wore layers and layers around myself, without realising that I am protecting my insecurities fiercely. Every insecurity layer was a boundary I created around myself. Every boundary created a distance within me. This made me feel heavy but I didn’t show the heaviness. I smiled and made myself seem light. The world saw the strength, the smile and the lightness because that is what I showed them.

MAnvi: Go on, thAthA.

thAthA: When I experienced a situation that I considered unpleasant, was when the first boundary came crashing down; my insecurity glared in my face and that hurt. MAnvi, it was not showing to the world my insecurities, that I feared. It was  fear of showing it to myself. I was not ready to face it. I can hurt myself more than others can do – thru’ thoughts and words. Vulnerability was therefore, a feeling that I thought was preferable not to be experienced.

MAnvi noticed the tense he used and softly asked, lest she disturbed his flow of thoughts: What changed, thAthA?

thAthA:

– I want the relationship with someone but they weren’t so willing? So what? I tried.

– I share my deepest thoughts to someone in confidentiality, and they share it with someone else. So what? Now I know whom not to share confidential information with.

– I seek help because I don’t know something. So what? This does not have anything to do with capability. This has everything to do with my keenness to learn.

– When I talk about what I cannot do, others may not carry a positive opinion of me. So what? Talking about this may interest someone else to help me build the skill and I grow.

At every step, I am learning about myself. Every learning ,makes me feel more secure. The more secure I am, the more the boundaries that fall. The more the fallen boundaries, the more I know myself. The more I know myself, the more I want to know. New insecurities and boundaries may arise but I am ok with it. I know what I need to do, to break them.

MAnvi: Go on thAthA, I am listening.

thAthA: That’s when I realised that I am becoming comfortable with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is being

– kind to myself

– sensitive to myself

– helpful to myself

– able to be comfortable with my skin

– just me myself.

Well MAnvi, if I cannot be all this to myself, who else will!!

The last many years has been a journey of accepting vulnerability; which has made me stronger. The journey continues even today.

thAthA went quiet as though reminiscing on his journey. After a few minutes, he gestured to MAnvi that they needed to leave.

It struck MAnvi and left her in awe that her thAthA lived vulnerability thru’ his sharing. He lives his legacy!!

Courtesy – A learning in the Ninjutsu class.