A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to read the earlier published blogs on ‘Emotional Maturity’. They are NOT a prerequisite to reading this blog, though reading them would help in a better understanding of this blog. The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon, on the topic of ‘Emotional Maturity’, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

BhAvanA: PrasAd, PrasAd, PrasAd, PrasAd, PrasAd..

PrasAd: Hey, what is this? Echo of my name or you like my name so much that you are calling me so many times?

BhAvanA: You expect yes as an answer from me isn’t it? Well, I went to the temple and they gave me some PrasAd. I hence called out to tell you to say that I had it with me so that I could give it to you.. You know how they call out for tea in the stations – ChAi, ChAi, ChAi, ChAi, ChAi? Like that I called out 🙂

PrasAd: Hmmn, so now that you have given me the PrasAd, I need to leave. I have to meet someone..

BhAvanA: Hey PrasAd, wait.. Didn’t we agree to meet at this time today? How can you suddenly change your mind and tell me this after I reach here? I have planned in such a way that I am free to meet you to discuss.. This is not done.

PrasAd: So you came here with an expectation, isn’t it?

BhAvanA: Oh my god!! I walked into this, didn’t I?

PrasAd: Remember what we were discussing last time we met, that expectations come free with our own likes and dislikes? You liked the discussions that we have been having on this topic and when you came today, you expected it to happen. You put in effort to plan your schedule in such a way that you are free to meet. This planning and effort was in your control, isn’t it?

BhAvanA: Yes, it was..

PrasAd: Are your expectations also in your control?

BhAvanA: I think so, PrasAd. Since we agreed to meet, I did think that we would definitely meet. That is not wrong, is it?

PrasAd: No, it is not;  but then it is preferable not to expect anything.

BhAvanA: That is what some people keep saying – “don’t expect anything to happen”. How is that even possible? Whatever we do, we do thinking that we will get something out of it; and that something is what we desire to get. When we put our two hands to clap and we moderate the speed of our hands coming in contact with one another, we expect a certain decibel of sound. When we greet someone, we expect them to reciprocate. Why, when we talk to someone, we expect them to listen to what we are saying. Everything that we do hence, comes with expectations and that is natural. So why are people wanting us to the unnatural by telling us not to expect anything?

PrasAd: BhAvanA, I am guilty of that too. I used to say this all the time. I recall you getting angry with me everytime I would tell you not to expect anything. It is only recently that I understood that to have an expectation is natural. Gained two insights from this book Emotional Maturity by pujya SwAmiji..

– To have expectations in any situation is natural, but what is needed is the ability to handle the results from that situation, favourable or unfavourable to us

– As for the results, it is not in our hands. We have no control over what comes out of any situation. However,  we have control on what we need to do or rather the efforts that we need to put, to gain something. There are perhaps many hidden variables due to which we do not get the results that we expect. Accepting the fact that there are hidden variables lead to Emotional Maturity..

BhAvanA: How, PrasAd? What do you mean by saying that we have no control over the results?

PrasAd: I am going to give you a few situations, where you have put in your best efforts; and I am going to give you some hypothetical results results as well.. You think and decide for yourself, if you had control over the results.

– You have been studying hard for your exams and you think you will ace it. You go to the exam and completely blank out. You are not able to write the exam as you had thought you would. Do you have control over blanking out?

– You go to a cricket match quite unwillingly. However when you go there, you happen to meet a cricket player who you admire. You have the opportunity to talk to him for close to half hour. Though you did not want to go, you put in the effort to reschedule your program to go to the cricket match. You had control over going or not going, right? But did you have control over meeting this person you admire?

– You see someone struggling to handle their relationship with another person. You intervene and offer your suggestions to improve the relationship between them. Despite your efforts,  their relationship remains the same or becomes worse and your relationship with both the people turn sour. You put in your efforts which was a choice that you made, but the result?? Did it turn to be the way you wanted it to be? Did you have control over it?

BhAvanA (talks after staying silent for a while): Though the second situation was more in my favour, in all three situations I have no control over what happened. But you know what? There are many such situations where I know I have put in a lot of effort and the result I get is absolutely unfavorable to me. At that moment, it is extremely difficult to understand that there are 4 outcomes possible in any situation and also that the result is not in my hands. The only thought that hits and hits and hits is that, “It is not fair.” What makes it worse is when you see someone who has not put in effort, sailing thru’.. And that’s when the feeling of unfairness hits deeper.

PrasAd: BhAvanA, there is one statement and one question that I allow to run in my mind. This is especially when I encounter a situation, where the result is unfavourable for me. This helps me..

BhAvanA shows an agitation which makes PrasAd go quiet. After a few minutes she begins to share: I was really angry, PrasAd. My mind is running over all those situations where I had given my best, but what I faced were failures. It was so painful.. To be honest, after our discussion last time, whenever I face a situation and see the result, I try to map it to the 4 outcomes of – the result  being more than what is expected, result less than what is expected, result being the same as expected and result being different. This helped.

I don’t want to stay angry, PrasAd. It drains me of all my energy. Now tell me what the question and statement is.

PrasAd: The question is “So what?”. I ask this question no matter the result, be it favourable or unfavourable to me. This enables me to build ‘sameness’. I am trying to see to what extent I can build the attitude of ‘sameness’, towards both kinds of results – that which is desirable to me and that is undesirable to me. This is so that I am happy when I get desirable results but I don’t get so elated that I come down with a thud when I get an undesirable result.

The statement is “I don’t call the shots”. This builds  the attitude of glad acceptance.

BhAvanA: Actually a few minutes back when I was furious. I was not ready to think of the  learning I would take away, from today’s discussion. I then quickly realised that the anger was not worth it. Takes away so much of space and leaves me with nothing. So much talking I need to do with myself, when I am hit by emotions. Emotional Maturity seems near yet so far away, PrasAd. Well, here are my take aways..

– Think of the 4 outcomes that are possible in any situation

– Ask “so what” and say “I don’t call the shots”, in any situation, favorable or unfavorable. Saying the statement will also in a way make one feel that the result in any situation is not in one’s control

– Putting the effort is in your control but the results from the situation are NOT in your control

– Build the attitude of glad acceptance of any result that you face in any given situation.