Every situation that unfolds in our lives gives us an experience. We may be a part of it directly, and may contribute to the situation (positively or otherwise is a matter of opinion :-)) or we may be physically and mentally present but we may not contribute to the situation, beyond being present there (this part sounds a trifle confusing but I guess as a reader you would know what I mean as you read further). Many of these experiences linger on in our mind and they do have an impact, which results in a learning or two. We look at every one of these experiences from our perspective thus raising many questions in our mind. There are a few situations that unfolded recently in my life and as usual, every one of them raised some questions. Some questions have no answers but every experience brings with itself more than one learning!!
In a whats app group, a friend had posted a picture of another friend’s daughter receiving a prize (both the friends and I are in the same whats app group). My first question was “Why is my friend not posting on this and why is another friend posting it?”. And will I stay quiet after getting that thought? Of course NOT :-(. Instead of offering my congratulations in an effusive manner, to my friend’s daughter, I actually made that comment of “It would have been great if you had posted it instead of someone else. You should have informed us directly.. blah blah blah.. .” Whew, seriously, did I say that? So belittling!! What is it that I wanted? For the friend to give first hand information? Why did I want that? Does it really matter who gives the information? The girl has won a prize. She should be congratulated and that’s it. Anything else takes the credit away from her achievement, doesn’t it? An experience that taught me the value of not missing the tree for the woods!!
This mother of a 10- year old was in a conversation with a few children, which included her daughter. It was then that she came to know of how a few other children in the class were pulling her daughter’s leg saying that a boy in the class was in love with her (result of watching too many cartoon shows and movies?). The mother was really upset. The little girl had clearly forgotten about the incident that happened in her class and seemed to have moved on. Now here comes the innumerable questions from the mother and the girl says , “Ma, this happened last year and nothing happened after that”. This made things even worse. “It happened last year and you did not tell me. Why? I have told you to treat me like a friend and share everything with me, isn’t it? Why did you not share it? ”. Looking at this situation from both perspectives, both the people seem to have a valid reason for feeling the way they did. It was certainly tough not to butt into the conversation and aggravate things more. The mother then says, “I have been a mother with an open mind and I really did not expect this. I don’t know what to expect any more”. Why did the child not talk about this at home, is anybody’s guess. She perhaps did not want it to be blown out of proportion. Was the mother getting paranoid? Was the child holding something out of fear from the mother’s reaction? The mother had indeed moved the focus from what happened in the class, to the relationship between her and her daughter. An experience that taught me that a child, no matter the age, has the capacity to think and they take their own decisions based on the thought process. Right or wrong, depends on how we view it.
While in the UK for a little more than a week, I had the opportunity to see many black (I am not sure how else I can address them. They are in the UK and hence not sure if they can be called African- Americans. Read up and found that the term ‘Black’ is used in writing and informally too) people and had the pleasure of interacting with a couple of them also. Personally I found them to have a great sense of humour and friendly too. We also found quite a number of them during our stay there, talk and laugh loudly in public places. When there is so much of silence around, this laughter sounds jarring. One of them was singing so loudly while causing the road, that it was difficult to stay focused on crossing the road and not missing your step while trying to look towards the direction of the singing. Is this a call for attention? Is this how they generally are and if so why? Is it a bad thing to laugh, talk or even sing loudly? Why should anyone be judged by this and actually be branded? This experience has only increased my desire to know more about this group of people called blacks, who have gone on to create their mark in many a profession.
A mother and a son were at the billing counter at a shoe shop, waiting for their turn. Standing a few people behind them, there was nothing different in both of them. The boy kept moving back every few minutes and the person behind was getting irritated and told the boy to stand properly. The mother turned to her son and spoke to him in a stern tone and pulled him towards her forcefully. The boy looked back and we were caught unaware by the looks of the boy. Looking like a nascent teen with a lean physique, his teeth on his upper jaw was in two rows (literally two rows of teeth in his upper jaw) with gaps between the teeth. He kept smiling at everyone and something did not ring right. He kept staring at his mother bending his head closer to hers and this made her talk stern to him again. Looking at him deeply, I saw that his mother was holding both his palms in her one hand and was gripping it tightly. He tried pulling away from her but she resisted the attempt. It was indeed easy for many of us standing behind them, not knowing the situation perhaps, to cast aspersions on the boy for stepping back into people behind him; or on the mother for talking sternly to him and pulling him forcefully towards her. The moment we saw the actual situation unfolding in front of us, everything changed. It was certainly difficult to take one’s eyes away from the boy. Riveting!! Heard a person saying, “Oh my god!!” and another person saying “How sad!”. What makes us to quickly jump to conclusions? Would the lady take to sympathy lightly? How would she feel when she knows she and her son are being stared at? What would go thru the mind of this young boy? There is so much he may want to express and may not be able to. The frustration at the inability to express may make him behave in a way that will not find harmony and comfort in many of us. This is an experience that gives me the goosebumps even now, as I type on this incident. An experience that has struck a raw chord in me and one that has many a learning though the rawness leaves me blank.
Some questions come and go, without fetching answers.. Some questions come and they stay on for some time, till they are answered.. Some questions come and they stay on being never answered. Every one of these questions come from an experience that we go thru’. Experiences that leave an impression in us, for the rest of our life.
Since every experience gives us one or more learnings, no experience can be called a bad one, isn’t it? As I narrate these experiences, what stands out more as one critical learning is the ‘need to observe whatever unfolds with no assumptions and judgment’.. Easy to say and tough to implement perhaps, but much gained and nothing lost in implementing it 🙂
–
May 27, 2017 at 11:24 pm
Yes, no doubt the critical learning is the ‘need to observe whatever unfolds with no assumptions and judgment’., with probably the insertion of the phrase ‘ which gives scope for learning’ in between the words, ‘unfolds’ and ‘ with ‘.
The observations we make are plenty, but it is not necessary each one need to be giving scope for fresh learning, though such a statement may appeal to gallery. Many will be casual, but quiet a few may give different experiences and feelings to arise in us. Example, taking cattle jam-packed and exposed to sun or rain on a truck etc), we experience sadness but what lesson we learn or what use in passing judgement, other than exclaiming to the Great System responsible for our presence here, ‘why bent on playing like this!’ (of course with no expectation of answer!) is a question; some cause anger in us like demand and payment of bribe at public offices, but of little use either in lesson or passing judgement; some may embarrass like intimate couple’s behavior in a public place, some make us happy like watching children play and so on.
But observations, like the ones narrated in this blog are all excellent ones (well portrayed too), and obviously the chosen ones which do give scope for learning combined with experiences! That we can’t miss out, very true indeed.
Coming to the observation on blacks, unfortunately, one may have little scope for alternative reference (nothing beyond just a reference), but one is at a loss to know why is this simple fact not recognized- calling a person ‘white’ is as wrong or not etiquette as it is calling a person ‘black’ or ‘colored’. In other words, such reference normally should not have an inferiority or superiority element attached but unfortunately it gets attached in view of the sad state we are in, having been used to making slang physical references for identification!
Whether Black or colored or white or yellow, humans are humans, the external appearance being mainly because of the geographic or climatic conditions they belong to and it is as simple as that. As to behavioral pattern (inferiority complex triggered mannerisms) of a particular group, mostly it is the fellow humans who have to take responsibility- like the white Americans/English who unleashed atrocities on the black-Africans or the Tan-Indians, to rob them off their riches, attempted colonization and corruption of cultural tradition by unjustified invasions and so on.
But these lessons offer scope for learning that is probably useful (!) for the short-term life here in this form and not for the long term objective of acquisition of DaivasampaT (laudable permanent trait) and in discard of asurasampaT (deplorable traits)!