It was an evening that was an eye opener of sorts.. A few conversations that helped me introspect.. What an insightful evening this was!!
Interesting though that each one of these insights were thru different mediums..
It all first started over a cup of tea with a friend of mine who said, “It is good to have an ego. That is when you will learn to respect yourself, when you will say that it is fine not to talk to someone who does not respect you for who you are, it is ok to say thank you when someone says that you have done a great job.”
“There is nothing wrong then in having an ego is it?”, was a question that I asked myself (you see I have this habit of talking to myself many times. Oh wait, did I hear you call me something? :-)). Ego by any other name is still ego isn’t it? Or is it ok to to say that “There is nothing wrong then in having a healthy ego'”. Well, the ‘adjectivised’ ego certainly sounds healthy enough!!
This conversation with my friend and then with myself certainly made me feel good to think that it is great to respect yourself as much as you respect others.. It felt harmonious to feel that it is fine not to talk to someone who does not respect you for who you are.. it gives a feeling of gratefulness when you say ‘thank you’ when you areĀ appreciated.
The next conversation happened over a phone call with a 12 year old who said, “You know what aunty, many of my friends think I have an attitude but I actually don’t. I am kind and nice and loving. I can tell you many more of the nice qualities that I have.” š
As the conversation proceeded, it turned out to be an intellectual one too. We discussed on how it is ok to have an attitude, I mean a ‘healthy attitude’:-). On how sometimes we use this attitude to protect ourselves from getting hurt. On how many of us project an ‘I don’t care’ attitude but inside we care a lot about what others think of us and what they think also has the power to let us hurt ourselves. The attitude that we wear is actually a mask, oneĀ that we think is an insulator, while it actually is not. The mask is for the others but not for ourselves. No one can be a more reflecting mirror to us, than we ourselves.
This made me reflect on myself and what I am projecting to myself and others too. It made me think that as much as I can call myself as my worst critic, I can also call myself as my best friend; that while it may seem protective and insulating to wear a mask for others, for my own inner growth it is good to wear NO masks when I see myself.
The third and final conversation happened over a whats app group chat. We were discussing on the usage of a word, in an article that was posted. A 4 letter swear word, if one may call the word so, (Oops, did you think what you thought it was? Oh No!! That wasn’t the word :-)) and one that is used fairly extensively by many. When I said that I refrain from using this word in general, I was told, “You are a saint”. It was very strange that my response to this statement, “I am no saint. I have my own failings”, opened many a shackle within myself. Ā It was as though I had just let go of what I was holding on to fiercely. I discovered that it is acceptable to have failings and equally acceptable to accept that you have failings too š
“I am certainly no saint and while I think it is a blessing to be one, I am not ready yet”, I thought to myself. I have a jealous bone or two in my body. I am intolerant, insensitive, impatient at times and I do express these failings, oh sorry, theseĀ feelings at times.
It is fine to have all these feelings as being a human. It is but natural to have. But then if I know that I have these feelings and I don’t deny them; and as pUjya swAmiji Dayananda Saraswati says, “Welcome every emotion that you feel. Don’t resist them, as the more you resist them, the longer they will stay”, it may just help perhaps. I try to remember and tell this statement to myself every time I try to resist an emotion.Ā And what I thought to myself after the conversation reinforced this statement.
All these three conversations happened back to back and within a span of 3 hours; and while each one of them opened up a lot of thoughts within me, each one of them equally had the power to make me feel lighter. As I come to the end of this blog, the one thought that is left in me is – When you accept yourself for the person you are, the road ahead seems winding and long; but invitingly marked with clarity, both of the road and of the scenic beauty around.
May 1, 2017 at 7:34 am
Habit of talking to oneself is not abnormal. This, any person who wants to enhance value for himself/herself surely does. Many fall in this category, but few express it.
As long as one is able to distinguish between ego (identifying the feeling of ‘I’ limited to as his/her body and not beyond, to ‘the inner Self or Atman) and the Self respect (The moment one uses this expression he/she will unconsciously identify himself/herself with the visible body of his/her alone!). Self-respect should be understood as recognising this Atman in all beings as equal and as great potential which is integrally forming part of the system which has the ability of discretion (Viveka), decision making and determination (Sankalpa) all being the characteristics of Free will associated with the Atman, but subject to the overall System by which the universe is supposed to function, that System itself being impartial to any ‘constituent of the universe’. (The elaboration beyond this will make it a big discuusion, which may be out of context here). To give an example, one should feel the same amount of happiness or distress as the case may be rising out of a situation either happening to one self or another entity. If that happens Self respect is already there and ego is absent. Therefore the good ego bad ego situation itself is non-existent.
Then coming to attitude, that itself is better understood in the background of the distinction between ego and Self respect. But a question will arise how does a child of 12 years have that maturity of understanding the difference between and ego and Self-
respect when many grown ups can not get out of the phobia? Here comes the roll of the parents and teachers who will not allow the child to have this dilemma of having to raise such an intellectual question at all. The teachings (no need to elaborate what that teaching curriculum consists) they do hand holds that child to a path of safety and recognition dawns gradually on the child naturally in due course as it attains the appropriate age. In fact, I was wondering whether a child can enter into such an intellectual conversation as to healthy and unhealthy attitude rather than expressing a complaint that it is misunderstood! Any how I raise this doubt because of my non-experience of having not come across such a situation.
Lastly, on emotions and saint. It is generally understood that saints do not have emotions which is totally incorrect in my opinion. It is just that a saint will not have emotions that makes him forget that he is the Self or Atman. He will certainly have emotions of compassion, happiness (when the entire world is happy and enlightened) (and if not) sadness and so on. These are known as matured feelings of a saint. Then the definition of Saint itself. Do we call who take the path of renunciation but yet to get that maturity as a Saint discussed supra? It is only because of this dilemma our SanATana Dharma recommends sainthood is always conferred by another great saint on seeing whether the candidate is qualified to become so. This they do it after rigorous tests many of them not even made known to the candidate tested itself!
May 2, 2017 at 6:51 pm
One of the skills that many teachers encourage children to do is ask questions, and also knowing when to stop pushing the boundary with questions. In my perspective personally, these questions enables them to think. Yes, it is critical that we as adults also know how to answer them which will NOT dissuade them from asking next time or giving the appropriate answer or in just saying, “I dont know and I will come back to you.”
Being in the field of education and having the opportunity to interact with children, certainly is an experience altogether and one that energises me. Tough choices sometimes!!
May 1, 2017 at 5:22 am
This thought process happens (in a sustained, introspective and productive way) to only those who desire to have enhance themselves.
It does happen to children, surprisingly as young as three years, as well, I have noticed! This (noticing) is an advantage people get, I mean those who love to listen to children rather than merely watch them play or make very usual loving conversations.
But I am little surprised to know that a little child of 12 years age talks about attitude! Does it know the meaning of that expression? I may have to have the experience of a chance hearing myself of a similar nature perhaps, to appreciate that better. I do not mean that yours is an experience which need not be accepted as non-genuine, I am only expressing my lack of having a similar experience!
As far as the third is concerned, why should one think that a ‘saint’ will refrain? The very reason why in SanATanaDharma an assumption of a ‘sainthood’ by oneself, without its being conferred by an AchArya is not generally recommended is because, humans, by nature, will have the emotions (being always subject to TriguNa) and a person who wants to get rid of emotions can hardly achieve it by forcefully suppressing it, (in which case it is miTyAchAra, or a false/illusory/incorrect practice). But it is possible for a person to achieve it to a very great extent by listening to a good guru (selfless, not the ones who work for a remuneration commercially) and practicing it says the BhagavaTgITA. The guru then chooses a good candidate (having that base to mould himself by a good training process), who will emulate and probably even excel himself, once trained well
I am coming to the first one of yours, in the last, because, I want to express my view on ego and self-respect in the background of my above points, in order that I am better understood for the view of mine, rather than for stating this is the best way. The view is that ego and self respect are not one and the same. For example, A person who assumes a ‘naichya bhava’ is not a person who does not have self-respect. On the other hand, he knows the inherent nature of Atman is to assume that BhAva and therefore he has full respect towards the Atman.
Last but not the least, introspection, without cursing oneself, rather with a feeling of being fortunate for having that quality does improve a person gradually, no doubt!
January 1, 2017 at 7:15 pm
Dear Malati
Very well wriitten and I appreciate the 12 yr old comments and your conversation with her. Insightful.
Tattvavidyananda
January 1, 2017 at 7:41 pm
Thank you, SwAminiji.. your words mean a lot..