A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to first read the 3 parts of ‘Stroke in the canvas called ‘The Value of Values’. You may also choose to read the blogs on the values of amAnitvam, adambhitvam, ahimsA (the value of ahimsA is in three parts) kshAntiH, Arjavam, AchAryopAsanam, Saucam, Sthairyam, AtmavinigrahaH, indriyArthesu vairAgyam, anahankAraH and janma-mrtyu-jarA-vyAdhi-duHkha-dosAnudarsanam and asaktiH though they are not a prerequisite to reading this value. The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon these values, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

abhisvanga (pronounced as abhishvanga) means excessive attachment

putra means son

dArA means wife

grhAdi (grhA + adhi) means house etc

anabhisangaH means absence of excessive attachment

The meanings of each of these words renders this value as being self explanatory isn’t it? As usual, I had a lot of questions as I read upon this value and I realised that there is a lot more to it than it seems to be 🙂

“Tulasi aunty, can I come and meet you if you are free? I am kind of confused and searching for answers. You were the first person who came to my mind.”

“Sure, Anvesha. This evening at around 4? I am free till about 630.”

That evening, with a lot of questions brimming in her, Anvesha meets with her Tulasi aunty. After a brief initial conversation, Anvesha seeks her answers 🙂

“Aunty, I have heard people saying that one needs to be attached yet detached. How is that even possible?”

“Anvesha, I used to hear this too and could never understand that. I came across this beautiful word in sanskrit called vairAgyA which means dispassion. To me this seems more appropriate. It means to be dispassionate about things, people, situations etc. This also means that you don’t get to be as affected by any situation or people, because you tend to look at things objectively.”

“So it is being passionate about something and being dispassionate about the same thing? This sounds much more doable aunty, though I am not sure how it would be to practice it.”

I grew up in a joint family and I got married into one too, Anvesha. This made me see different facets of people which helped me to decide on how to be and how not to be.”

“Wow, aunty. That requires a lot of patience, adjustments, compromises and sacrifices isn’t it, aunty, when you live in a joint family?”

“It certainly does, Anvesha,  though we can keep that discussion for another day; otherwise we would get into nuclear family and joint family comparison:-)”.

“Anvesha, I had a grandmother who would take a lot of care for her children, the house, her husband and she would do what it takes to make sure that the house ran smoothly. On the other hand I had a couple of aunts who would be too too attached to their children, especially their son and sometimes their daughter as well; to their husband,and to  whatever they owned.”

“Aunty, strange that you would say that you had a couple of aunts who were like that. Why not uncles? Why is the excessive attachment to their sons and not to their daughters?”

“Anvesha, this is like seeing myself when I was your age :-). Such similar questions you have. What I am saying now is just my view and it could be different for someone else. In my view, when a daughter is born, you are sure that she will get married and go to live with someone else and that in itself lessens the attachment. It may not lessen the caring. However, the son used to stay with his parents even after he is married, and the mother knows this. So there is no preparation from her for a situation, when he is away from her. Many would say that a mother is attached more to her son and the father to his daughter. The son also is responsible for expanding the lineage of the family. So the excessive attachment is what is called ‘putra abhisanga’, which is excessive attachment towards the son. I guess the man is out of the house most times and engages himself in other activities and this makes him show more vairAgyA than his wife. ”

“Aunty, what about her husband? Does she not have this excessive affection for her husband?”

“On a humorous note, I think she gives so much of affection towards her son that there is little left for the husband. She thinks he can take care of himself or his mother will anyway take care of him.”

“That’s mean, aunty 🙂 but it rings so true too.”

“Anvesha, there is a flip side here. The husband on the other hand may display excessive attachment that it may border of possessiveness which will suffocate her and will affect their relationship too. DArA abhisanga which is excessive attachment towards the wife is equally bad. In fact I have a couple of uncles my aunts think are excessively attached to them. This makes my aunts to feel that they have very less freedom to do what they want to do.”

“Anvesha, I should mention that there is a disclaimer here. While I have mentioned specifically women and men and their traits, there are situations wherein the man is excessively attached to his son and the woman is excessively attached to her husband.”

“Aunty, is this only towards people? Because I have seen both men and women excessively attached to their houses -grha and other things like their vehicles or office. In fact, many men say that their office is their first wife, that they love their car so much that one scratch on it and they lose their sleep.”

“You are right, Anvesha. It does extend to other things as well and that includes their houses too. I am happy to see you using sanskrit words :-). Anything in excess is bad, even attachment. One should know when caring ends and attachment begins.”

“Aunty, the last line you said is so profound – One should know when caring ends and attachment begins. Can you explain this?”

“Anvesha, this is just an example and I want you to visualise this as I unfold it to you – you fall down and you get hurt. You are mobile though in a limited way. Everyday, your parents get you things to eat, right upto your bed.. One of them is always around to give their hand if you want to get up and move.. even medicines they want to put it in your mouth.. if anyone comes to visit you, they hover around just in case what the others say upsets you etc.. What would you call this?

“Paranoia. I will go mad, aunty. I WILL FEEL smothered.”

“On the other hand in a similar situation, you have your parents around but they give you the space to try doing things yourself. They have given you the necessary tools like crutches or walker to be mobile and they tell you to holler if you need any help. You know they are around and you feel comfortable knowing that they are there but you are also aware that you are not totally dependent on them.”

“I see a difference, aunty. In think in this case it is caring, isnt it?” So how do we develop anabhisangaH, aunty? Could you give some tips?

“Anvesha, what I say is easy to say but takes time and effort to practice and I am still working on it 🙂

– Remember that you ONLY possess things. You DON’T own them. When you keep remembering this, anabhsangaH becomes easy

– Develop vairAgyA and this comes easily when you remember the previous point 🙂

– Understand that the line is fine between caring and attachment. Whenever you are in a situation, be alert to your reactions which tell you whether you are caring or attached. Initially it may help if you could think of the example that we discussed on, of you getting hurt etc..

– Read the blog posts on the values of AtmavinigrahaH, indriyArthesu vairAgyam and asaktiH for more understanding and reinforcement

“Bye aunty. I won’t say thank you but this question will tell you what I feel. If you see yourself in me now, can I see myself in you, when I get to your age?”