A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to first read the 3 parts of  ‘Stroke in the canvas called ‘The Value of Values’. You may also choose to read the three blogs on the values of  amAnitvam and adambhitvam and ahimsA (the value of ahimsA is in three parts) though they are not a prerequisite to reading this value.  The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon these values, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

kshAntiH means acceptance or accommodation. According to the English dictionary, both these words have different meanings (accommodation means compromise or understanding; acceptance means welcome or embrace or integration) and yet they appear to come across similar too.

When one has the attitude of accommodation or acceptance, it becomes easy to accept a situation or people that one cannot change. Seems easier to write this; seems tough to accept when it is read; as for implementing this, that seems just about a big challenge 🙂

In many a situation, we wish

– the situation went the way we wanted it to..

– people behave in the way we liked them to..

– what we did not like did not happen..

– people don’t behave the way we don’t want them to..

– people change themselves because we would like them to..

– people change themselves because we think it is better for them..

and what we wish from others, they also would wish the same from us..

It is indeed interesting to see that we don’t expect everyone and everything to change.. We are selective about this..

– we are sure that animals and plants and inanimate objects will be as they are, and we need to be prepared for them . We are ready to accept them for what they are..

– we don’t expect an acquaintance or a distant relative to change..

– we would like people close to us and people who matter to us, to change..

While the first 2 may not affect us so much and we find ways to handle the situation, the 3rd one in comparison could cause mental agony, helplessness, frustration and anger.. If we can accommodate and accept inanimate objects, plants and animals or acquaintances as they are, what makes it so difficult for us to accept people as they are? Why cannot we have the same yardstick for everything and everyone? Are these emotions directed more at ourselves than at the others?

Personally, I have found that to change is a difficult, especially when I am not convinced on why I need to change. There are times when I try to change, even when I am not convinced about it, only because it makes someone else happy. Seeing someone else happy is what I need at that time; making them happy makes me happy and I change.. Everything begins and ends with oneself, doesn’t it?

However, I sometimes give up after a while, as the change causes dissonance and that jarring music inside me causes pain. If this can happen to me, it can happen to others who I think should change, isn’t it?

What is it that needs to be brought into us, to accommodate or accept a person as they are?

– To be aware that every person comes with a given background and this background is a cause for them to act the way they do.. It is not necessary to know the details of the background but just to be aware that there is one (now, that seems tough because it is a challenge to be content just being aware and not knowing the details :-))..

– To understand that no matter their intelligence, their virtues, their wisdom or their experience, in moments when helplessness grips them, their actions become mechanical..

– To respond to the person and not to their actions. When our reaction is to their actions, it also stems from the values that we hold dear and this maybe different from the other person’s. This will cause more dissonance within us..

– To choose carefully our response and attitude hence..

Ever since I have been reading up on this value of kshAntiH, the one question that kept pooping up in me was, “If I am in a situation where I am not comfortable with the way someone (who is close to me) is acting; and I am aware that they come with a background, what about me? When will the other person bring in the awareness in themselves that I also come with my own background?  That they also need to accommodate and accept me as I am.. Fair enough a question, don’t you think so? It is tough to always be aware that others come with their given background and accommodate and accept them as they are.. “Why should I?” was a question 🙂

As the reading happened, so did a lot of thinking..  Some thoughts I tried to put into action.. They worked when I did so.. Obviously it did not work all the time, as I could not push myself to attempt all the time..

What helped or rather helps?

– The first word that screams in my mind, when some one does something that is not in alignment with my thinking, is “Background”.. This is my alert and it stops me in my tracks.. Calming down is almost instantaneous..

– I go back to my thinking and look for my given background.. Understanding myself happens..

– I bring in a vision that I am sitting in one step of a staircase, that can comfortably accommodate only me. I move my position in the same step, to accommodate the other person to sit next to me.. The moment I do this, there is some shift that happens in me towards the other person.. Awareness that there is space for both of us and both of our backgrounds, sets in.. Easing up begins and letting go starts..

This journey towards accommodating others and accommodating myself is certainly not going to be a smooth one.. It though looks promising enough to bring in more maturity and more space for more accommodation 🙂