A conversation with a relative of mine almost a decade back, was an eye opener to the importance of ‘sharing information’ with children. Needless to say, this also opened my eyes into the thought of the importance of sharing information with people, at the appropriate time and in the appropriate manner.
This single parent asked me when we were discussing on bring up children, “Malu, have you shared with your two children (who were aged 12 and 9 at that time) on what you go thru when you have your menstrual cycle every month?”. My first reaction was that of being aghast. How and what will I share about this with my two sons? How will they understand? Aren’t they too young to know about this? I asked her for the reason for asking this question. She said, “It is challenging for most / many of us women when we have our menstrual cycle. We don’t feel like eating sometimes, we don’t feel like getting out of the bed on those days, there is physical pain and a lot of mental unease. It is at this time when we wish someone would make us a hot cup of coffee or tea or render a little help in household chores. I decided to share with my 10-year old what I go thru during these cycles. From then on the kind of help that I got from him, I can’t be thankful enough”.
I was not sure if I should talk to my sons on this but I wanted to give it a try. I did have more than one reason for why I wanted to share with them :-)..
I mustered enough courage within myself and launched into the discussion and sharing. They had their own questions and expressed shock at some of the sharing (which was a visual delight to see). It has been an experience from then on. Timely help, many cups of tea and an understanding that they showed made all this sharing worthwhile. While it helped me immensely during these challenging times, it also helped in building that teeny weeny bit of a spark of independence in them.
My relative’s experience and my own experience set me on a thinking and questioning mode:
What makes me think that others will not understand what I am going thru?
What holds me back from sharing?
What am I not ready for, when I share?
What do I want to share, when do I want share and with whom do I want to share?
This made me observe myself and also observe and talk to others on what and how they share information with people.
Each one of us choose to share or not to share information with people based on how we think. Right or wrong is a matter of perspective.
Parents of 2 teenagers chose to keep the financial challenges that they were facing to themselves. The children’s financial needs were being met, what they asked was being bought, lunches and dinners at different restaurants every fifteen days (and some of it were expensive lunches and diners, according to the family too). When an acute financial crunch came for the family, the children found it difficult to understand; they felt that their parents were suddenly making a fuss about expenses. Parents on the other hand felt that if they share their financial challenges with their children, it will burden their children. It’s been a tough few years for the family and the children even now harbour a feeling that parents have not understood their wants / needs. There are times when the parents wonder if they should have shared their financial challenges with their children instead of holding it back.
A few aged parents feel that their children (grown up, married and have their own children) do not share much about the happenings in their life and that they feel left out. Their children on the other hand feel that they cannot load their parents with their problems while they may share happenings that bring joy.
Some spouses feel that their partners refrain from sharing their pressures / challenges. They say that when they ask their partners to share, they are told
– I am not used to sharing with anyone. I am used to handling my pressures myself
– I am not sure if you will understand what I am going thru
One spouse said, “I do share but I feel what I am saying is not actually listened to; this makes me even more frustrated. I have hence stopped sharing”.
There are children who share much less with their parents and sometimes siblings on what happens in their school or with friends. The reason they give is that parents shout at them if they think what their child has done is a mistake, though initially they say that they will not be scolded. As for the siblings, they feel that the siblings ‘go tell’ their parents though they may have committed to confidentiality.
There are a few people who have struck a bond with their home help and they share whatever happens in their house with the help; they perhaps are (un) aware that many of the home help discuss what they have been told with their peers, adding their own two paisas to it. When they get to hear that what they have shared and what has been passed on is different, they wonder why they shared at all.
Each one of us may share most of what happens in our life with one person we are close with or a few others. This may ease some angst, tension and pressure that we feel. Some questions however linger:
– Are we sharing what we need to, with the right people and at the right time?
– Are we sharing in the right tone (especially when we need the other person to be careful / alert / trigger their thoughts)?
– What is the moderation that we need to do when we share what we think should be shared?
– How do we share what we need to, in such a way that the essence of the sharing is understood?
A couple of friends shared candidly, “There are some things that I just cannot share with anyone. It stays with me and me alone and I am comfortable with it”.
Like many an aspect of life, this also is a process of learning as our sharing depends on our frame of mind, the frame of mind of others, the situation itself, the timing, our thinking of the impact of what the sharing would have on others and the future. This list could go on..
Makes me wonder now – with so many factors at play, should I share any more? 🙂
June 1, 2017 at 3:55 am
Sharing information with appropriate people, needless to say, is an important topic many people are confused with it or not sure of sharing at all. The confusion, mostly pertains to sharing information with whom, what is the appropriate time and in what manner.
Let me first go to the topic of sharing the financial challenges with children, a subject that is most important in today’s scenario where the parents from middle, lower middle classes (I am consciously avoiding the below poverty line classes where it will be impossible for the parents to keep their hardship away from their children due to its being too open to hide) invariably commit the mistake of non-sharing with children fearing adverse psychological impact on their children.
Fortunately for me, from a middle class, my mother did not have such inhibitions of non-sharing and she asked us, her children, to maintain the household finances. After the money brought by our father was handed over to us, it was we who kept account of every pie that was received and spent. That training she said she got from her mother! This created a positive impact as rightly believed and that gave us a lot of confidence in us I can assert, when we had to go through quite a few occasion of financial tightness our family faced. Had that forethought not prevailed in our parents’ mind we might have been shocked when difficult situations came.
This initial training we had from our parents also oriented us towards sharing-with wife, children and so on. This is how the chain is maintained.
Of course, by the time we were all married we got promoted to the ‘upper middle class’ carrying on life in as simple a way as possible and therefore the no scope for any inhibitions of sharing existed also I must add!
As regards the other issue like the menstrual cycle, a unique one pertaining to women one will be surprised if I say who explained it to us as boys (of 13-14 years)! It was our science teacher in the course of biology lessons! He explained it so as a matter of fact that it did not give us any feeling other than one of surprise towards Nature’s designs you must believe it! Incidentally we were students in an all male children reputed school with all male teachers.
Why I am bringing this aspect is, the process of learning, if it takes place in due course, the scope for shocks and embarrassments or whatever one may imagine will be almost nil. It is not necessary every aspect of everything has to come through the parents only.
Therefore to be honest, the scope for the question ‘What makes me think that others will not understand what I am going thru and therefore I should hold back from sharing’? does not arise at all if one is fortunate to have initiated into the art of sharing.
I must however honestly admit, now our aged mother feels that their children (we, the grown up, married and have children) do not share much about the happenings in their life! It may be a fact that we do not want her to be loaded with any issues so that she be peaceful! I do not think it is incorrect, as I feel that there is a methodology to share. While I do share fully the goings on with my wife and children, I would be doing with my mother selectively only concerning her and all matters of joy.
There are, not a few, but many who have struck a bond with their home help and they share not whatever happens in their house, but quite a lot of shareable matters with them, fully aware that it will travel through. There again our ingenuity comes and we have never faced any problem for the past two decades with our helps, on the contrary, my wife has helping them solve many of their complicated problems in her own style!
However, all the questions like “Are we sharing what we need to, with the right people and at the right time at right moderation?” raised in the blog are relevant:
I do not somehow subscribe to the view “There are things that I just cannot share with anyone. It stays with me and me alone and I am comfortable with it”. That is impossible, I should imagine from my experience.
It will not make wonder, one who have been properly initiated into sharing and therefore fortunate to have reasonable knowledge of so many factors at play regarding sharing. For them sharing what, how and with who becomes a part of their life!