I remember asking my mother why I was named Preetha and she said that she wanted me to be remain a happy person and hence named me after the meaning. I actually thought I lived upto the meaning. People liked my presence.. People wanted me to accompany them for an important occasion. If people had a function at home, they would say, “Preetha, the occasion will take on a different charm if you were also there.” Believe me, I reveled in all these statements. It made me feel elated and it took me some time to come down to planet earth. Whenever I felt low about myself, these statements would pull my spirits up and I am sure I was carrying it as a cloak every where I went and in every moment too. Was I getting used to this, I don’t know.
I started seeking people.. I longed to hear these statements.. I would keep in touch with people thru a phone call or a letter and in the last few years thru the social media also.. In the last few years I have been noticing that the more I hear such nice statements about myself, the more I communicated with people. It came to a stage where I felt that my presence is what makes an occasion, a gathering and an outing. This intensified when people would tell me “Preetha, the occasion we had, the gathering we went for and the outing we had was less fun without your presence.” I would take this so seriously that I will talk about this elatedly to every Rama, Krishna and Lakshmi I meet.
There was something that was niggling me about what I was thinking, feeling and doing.. Just at the time the niggling began, I heard someone saying during a discussion, “When people who invite you for an occasion say that your presence will make a difference, they are right. But please understand that even if you are not there, the occasion will happen. They will not miss you during the occasion as they will be busy themselves and so your presence or absence may not be deeply felt. It is only a few days after the occasion when they take relive the occasion will they realise who came and who did not.”
I thought to myself, “If I am not missed, why are they saying that my presence matters?”
I was in one of those rhetoric moods and I answered my own question. “I also do that isn’t it? When there is an occasion in my house I tell people who I invite that I would be delighted if they come. But do I get the time to think about who comes or who doesn’t, during the occasion? At best, I will ask their relatives or other friends why a particular person did not come and may express my disappointment. Beyond that I will get on with what I need to do in the occasion. I will mull over the those who did not come, for a few months and that may anger me but over time I would learn to let that pass by. There maybe one or two people though who will be sorely missed if they don’t come for the occasion, as their presence is valuable to me. I can also be that person for the others who invite me, isn’t it?”
Though I answered to myself, I was not really convinced about my answer. How can my presence be important to everyone I meet? My presence may make a difference but it is not the be all and end all of everything. And that’s another problem. If I am not able to go, I will feel bad about myself and think that the people who invited me will feel bad and will feel sad, which is not acceptable for me.
So it all boils down to what is acceptable to me and what is not acceptable to me?
Is it all then about what makes me happy and what does not make me happy?
Can I reach a stage of going to an occasion only if I think it makes me happy? and if I do so will that be called selfish?
Can I be happy not seeking people and not communicating with them, and be comfortable with it?
I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it and not because I THINK others will be uncomfortable if I don’t do. Ah!!! Do I eagerly look forward to this day!!
Everything in life is not what I want but what I want is everything in life..
May 1, 2017 at 10:09 pm
The best part of the thought is revealed in the opening sentence itself- ‘ Being happy and making others happy’, a mother’s divine wish towards her dear child!
We are aware that there is a branch of mathematics known as ‘Chaos theory’which focuses on the behaviour of dynamical systems (quite applicable to the Sentient human beings as well) that are highly sensitive to initial conditions. Even within the apparent randomness of complex systems there are underlying patterns, constant feedback loops, repetition, self-similarity, self organisation, fractals and reliance on programming at the initial point known as sensitive dependence on initial conditions.
Small differences in initial conditions (such as those due to rounding errors in numerical computation) yield widely diverging outcomes for such dynamical systems — a response popularly referred to as the butterfly effect – rendering long-term prediction of their behaviour impossible in general. This happens even though these systems are deterministic, meaning that their future behaviour is fully determined by their initial conditions, with no random elements involved. But, the deterministic nature of such systems doesn’t make them predictable, because of the obvious complexity in numbers and readability of their combined effect. The theory was summarised by Edward Lorenz as: “When the present determines the future, but the approximate present does not approximately determine the future.
This is more so in the case of sentient humans whose behaviour is, apart from genetic traits, additionally subject to the discretion and Free will they are endowed with, but fortunately that aspect also lends itself for aiding course correction, notwithstanding the initial genetic trait! That is why our tradition ensured disciplining, not through barren instructions or threats, but, through moulding of personalities in the demonstrative ‘see and learn’ way; that is, although the genetic trait of a child is not easily read to predict its future behaviour, yet the circumstances, environment, treatment etc., can be so arranged to greatly enable the child to introspect and respond by making necessary changes using its discretion and free will.
The naming is one such very basic step, provided the meaning is understood both by the naming and the named. This will work subconsciously, however trivial it may look, like a butterfly effect stated supra.
That is why our names are not the Tom Dick and Harry lines, as the English themselves tacitly admit in what sense they use such names, but it is Rama Krishna Lakshmi and so on! Even the colloquial usage of Kuppan and Subban in Tamil are meant to indicate something more important than what they are understood and used as today, sadly though!
Last but not the least, why people say that my presence matters (in a particular occasion, say a function)? It is surely not lip service though it does look so by and large due to the fact that the function will go on as obviously that can’t come to a stand-still and perhaps more so because of our own non-conviction ‘how can it (missing me) be so’. I am positively saying so because by and large people continue to be humans notwithstanding the complexities they have created for themselves and they want the company of positively vibrating people, which they believe subconsciously, that such presences further add strength (all the rituals are thoughtfully arranged in such a way to see everyone plays a role in that all of us would have noticed).
If this is understood, then the responsibility shifts to the person or the invitee or the expected participant or whatever, and the room for anger, disappointment etc. just disappear by everyone understanding their own role and responsibility ( one may call it importance if he wishes so) in a non-egoistic, but yet self respecting way. The inviting person knows that but for the compelling reasons the invitee would have attended and the invited person will certainly attend unless there were reasons that have prevented him to do so.
That makes the meaning of ‘what is acceptable to me and what is not acceptable to me’ or ‘what makes me happy and what does not’ and so on in a very healthy perspective clearly indicating what I am living for!
The basic step therefore is naming? Why not it be one amongst the innumerable ways and means ingeniously devised by our knowledgeable elders, when the initial conditions which are surely deterministic of the future (if not course corrected making use of the boon from Nature of discretion and free will) but ready to resonate positively with such course correction?
January 24, 2017 at 9:13 pm
‘We do everything to fulfil a need in ourselves and make ourselves happy.’you seem to have done some deep soulsearching.
January 25, 2017 at 4:22 am
True, Vinita.. The first sentence that you have said is what keeps running in my mind ever so often. So we cannot actually say that we do something to make others happy isn’t it?