It was an evening that Arun would always remember. He was meeting his college friends after a couple of decades. What caught his attention was the way many of them were speaking.

He remembered that in college, some of them would not mingle much with the others and stay by themselves; or would have just one or two people they would talk to.

Some of them would always be around people and making sure that they were heard.

He was thinking to himself that they all seemed so different now.. he wondered what brought the changes in them!!

A few of them who he thought were passive and would not raise their voice to anybody (even to voice their opinions), seemed to have changed. They now had something to say to whatever anyone said. Most of what they said was something in disagreement to what was being said. Arun was puzzled. Why were they ready to disagree with whatever was being said? And ready much before the other person completed what they were saying.. It was as though they anticipated the reply of the other person and had decided what they wanted to say. Sometimes, the other person would happen to be also one who barely spoke to anybody in college. Would this person just listen to the disagreement that was being handed out? No, they would make a statement that was a disagreement to this disagreement.. This would go on for a good five minutes, with neither of them giving in. Arun had many a question that arose in his mind..

– What brought in the change in these people?

– Were they really so passive in college or was it a mask that they were putting on?

– Who was the real person – the one who was passive or the one who is now so vocal?

– Did something happen in their life for them to have changed or was it age and their exposure, that had brought in this change?

– Were they like this in all their roles of their life or are they selective about where and with whom they express their disagreement with?

What Arun found even more puzzling was this – these people would ask for a specific feedback from one of the other classmates, about themselves. This person giving the feedback would think and then share something frankly, yet measuring what and how they were saying it. The person soliciting the feedback would disagree swiftly, and way too quickly to that as well.

– Why did they ask, if they were ready to disagree?

– Did they also have the same thought about themselves and hearing it from another person, was a bitter tablet to swallow?

– What were they feeling so insecure about, that they disagreed with this also?

On the other hand, some of his class mates were also those who would talk to everyone around, give unsolicited feedback or advice and their presence was always heard. He found quite a few of these people having changed too. Now they were mingling with the others, would look around and smile at others genially but would only speak when they are spoken to. This certainly was looking stranger and stranger!!

Arun’s thoughts went on an overdrive.

– Why this change?

– Were these people bidding their time before they became what they were before?

– Can time bring in a sea change in people?

– They seemed comfortable in the setting. But why were they quiet now?

– Why did they stop what they were saying, when the other person disagreed? Shouldn’t they make their presence heard, like before?

Arun was so dumbfounded by the change he saw in many of his classmates, that he was initially lost for words. He then decided to ask them about it.

He first spoke to those who were the non-minglers (if there is a term like this) in college. He spoke NO word about his observations or on their disagreeing to whatever others said. He asked them about their change. They were candid enough to say, that they felt they were being taken for granted (or were they allowing others to take them for granted?) by others. They hence decided to voice whatever they thought and felt.

For Arun, this raised two questions that stayed on with him, for quite some time..

– So many years of tanking of their thoughts and feelings, has now found a vent?

– A vent that was now letting its steam out from all sides, and will either subside after all the steam is out or may not subside at all. But by the time all the steam is out, what is the damage that it would have cost (and should I say caused?)?

Arun then hesitatingly walked to the other group – the ones who were vocal when they were in college, but had quietened now.  He was a bit wary of this group, because he had felt as though he was a small person whenever he was around them, when they were in college. The change that he saw in them now, made him approach them.

He spoke to them about the change that he observed in them. They expressed that the change in them came only a few years back. They also apparently felt that all the speaking that they used to do, lessened the time they had for themselves.. it gave them less time to listen to others.. it did not give opportunity to others to say what they wanted to, as only their voice was heard.. They also thought that they ended up giving advice and feedback to others, when others were not ready for it.. and even when others asked them for feedback or advice, sometimes and some people asked, because they felt like asking; they wanted to become better but that ‘want’ was not a ‘need’.. So they will ask and not do anything about it.. or they will ask but they will disagree with whatever was being told, as they perhaps felt the feedback was not valid enough for them at that moment (to Arun this was a eureka moment when he thought – ah, so this is why the non-minglers also disagreed with the feedback given)..

The one question that he had for them was whether they felt comfortable with the change ( as he felt that it is tough to stop sharing feedback or advice or even to lessen the amount of talking done). The answer that he got surprised him..

They said that to be less talkative or not to give unsolicited feedback and advice was not easy..  it helped though, in NOT constantly looking at what others could do in their life.. it helped them to enable only those who ‘needed’ their advice or feedback.. finally, it helped to focus on what THEY needed to do in their life.. according to them, the last point is what became their priority.

At the end of evening after all the observations and discussions, Arun wondered which group he belonged to at that moment. A question that he knew that he would only have to answer.

He thought to himself, “Good to make these observations but it is tough when these observations make me ask myself questions.. but since they also make me understand myself better, the more the observations the merrier it is.”