A woman who took every one of the roles she donned, seriously indeed!!!
Preetha – a great mother, an accommodating wife, a doting daughter and a wonderful friend.. She was a person who wanted to live every adjective of the roles she played. She preferred harmony over confrontation. She preferred living her life to the will of others, than to her own desires and needs.. The one thing that she did for herself was spending time with her friends; and this too was on the days when her children and husband were away from home. She would go out for get-together’s in her friends houses or go for shopping with her friends. She would do window shopping while her friends would buy things for themselves. Given her nature, her circle of friends was indeed big.
She would make the food her children liked, be it for lunch, evening snack or dinner. There were guests at home for lunch or dinner, during the weekends. If the exhaust fan in her kitchen could talk, it will perhaps share on how long she spent her time in the kitchen everyday, and what she cooked!!!
She was ready with a helping hand whenever her parents needed her; and if she had to travel to spend a couple of days with them she would do so on the odd weekend, when her husband was at home with her two teenage children.
Birthdays of any one of the four of them in the family or even her wedding anniversary, was a night out, at different well known restaurants. Shopping for the family was at big stores, and price was not a factor that was given much weightage.
Friends often said,
‘Wow, you are going to such an expensive restaurant!’
‘That’s an expensive saree that you have bought!’
‘You have prepared so many dishes!’
She would just smile..
She was always cheerful. She had a laughter which was infectious. This always gave an impression that she was living a happy life and had nothing to complain about.
Slowly, she started talking to a few of her friends about what she was going through – her childhood challenges, her children not listening to her, inadequate support that she was receiving to raise her children, financial constraints etc.
Along with this, she also started sharing her unfulfilled desires and the most prominent of them was – working in a school, teaching children the subject she was very good at – Math.
Her friends suggested that she start teaching in a nearby school, which she did not agree to, as this is not acceptable to her family.. Then the suggestion of taking tuitions at home was also given, to which she said no – because she was not willing to teach at home.
Her life was revolving around the desires and needs of the others. She was reluctant to tell any of her family, that what they were doing was not the way to do or was not the right thing to do.. As she used to say to her friends, “I don’t want to have a confrontation with anyone – my children, my husband or even my parents”.
Others’ desires became her desires..
Others’ needs became her needs..
Others’ happiness with her became her happiness with herself..
Others’ anger on her, became her anger on herself..
Over time, this started putting enormous pressure on her. She said to her friends, “I seem to have time and space for everyone else except for myself. I am getting really frustrated in life. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me how to go about this”.
The common suggestion that all her friends gave was, “Talk to your family and tell them what you are going through. They need to support you’. Her response was, ‘I cannot talk to them as I am not used to sharing my challenges”.
Beyond a point, friends stopped giving her any suggestions, understanding the futility of it; they just leant their shoulders when she wanted to cry out..
She went thru a traumatic eight months with a terminal illness – a period when talking, let alone confrontation was no more a possibility for her.
She is not with us anymore, but has left friends like us, with so many lessons to learn and live..
- share directly to the people related to the situation, what we are going thru
- do what we need to and want to do in life, while conforming to what is ‘right’
- draw a boundary around our own self and insulate ourselves from the comments of others
- be compassionate and yet confront, if needed
- define our life the way WE need to live..
May 16, 2017 at 12:13 am
I chanced through this blog which kindled my own thoughts too! (it rarely does and so thought, ‘even if not useful now for the subject lady and her friends, for what it is worth let us elaborate!)
If a woman had taken every one of the roles she donned, seriously (I mean with faith not under pressure-if under pressure it will be miTyAchAra) indeed, then she had been a ‘karmayogi’, no doubt about this aspect!
All the karma-yogic qualities–a great mother, an accommodating wife, a doting daughter and a wonderful friend, seem to be there. Additionally, She preferred harmony over confrontation (kshAnTi). She preferred living her life to the will of others, than to her own desires and needs (amAniTvam, aDambiTvam, IndriyArTheshu vairagyam AnahankAra). The mistake she might have committed was probably non-observation of the value of ‘not being keen to be with crowds’ (araTirjanasamsaDi) as would go out for get-together’s in her friends houses or go for shopping with her friends, her friends circle being big. But still a benefit of doubt was there, as she would do just window shopping while her friends would buy things for themselves, therefore there was obviously the maintenance of neutrality even when in confrontation with desired and undesired items (nityamcha-samaciTTatva ishtAnishtopapaTTishu).
There is again a suspicion of deficiency in the value non-addiction to excessive attachment in children, spouse and home (asakTiranabhishvanga puTra-DAra-gruhADishu) as during birthdays of any of the four in the family or even her wedding anniversary etc., was a night out at different well known restaurants, Shopping at big stores unmindful of costs etc.etc.
But her mere smile on being commented coveys the idea she was not unsteady (asThira) and therefore self-controlled (ATmavinigraha) by her Friends remarks on her spending extravagantly!
So far so good, though it may still cast a doubt on her success of becoming a KsheTrajna, but that doesn’t matter as for her success in karmayoga, as it would be enough if the qualities of amAniTvam, aDambiTvam, ahimsA, KshAnTi,, Arjavam, unahankAra and ATmavinigraham are imbibed which seemed to be already present in her!
The problem she was having becomes more clear on reading further, when she slowly, started talking to a few of her friends about what she was going through – her childhood challenges, her children not listening to her, inadequate support that she was receiving to raise her children, financial constraints etc.etc. This probably appears to have been the culprit!
That is why a blunder appears to have been committed by her- Others desires/needs becoming HER DESIRE/NEEDS! If that be the case it is impossible for others’ happiness to become hers! That was why others anger became an anger on herself!! That was why she was unable to find a way out for fulfilling her genuine desire of becoming a teacher. She ought to have convinced with patience the honesty in her desire. Even after a genuine attempt if someone was unreasonable in opposing she should have disregarded their views an proceeded. That would happen in rarest of rare cases and then it is prArabDa the effect of which has to be countered moe vigorously by the yoga of exercising Freewill coupled with intellect! The suggestion of the friends for a compromised assignment might be a humbug.
No wonder, such indecisiveness started putting enormous pressure on her, that lead to lamenting “I seem to have time and space for everyone else except for myself. I am getting really frustrated in life. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me how to go about this”.
This situation resembled the state of Arjuna who resorted to Krishna for advice. Unfortunately in this lady’s case, neither she seemed to have emulated Arjuna in seeking advice from a fit person to resolve the problem, nor the friends could play Krishna’s role in effectively advising! The only saving grace appears in their advice of “Talk to your family and tell them what you are going through; they need to support you’. Their advice unfortunately stopped there and didn’t go beyond- ‘what would happen if the response was negative’- notwithstanding her unfortunate response of, ‘I cannot talk to them as I am not used to sharing my challenges”.
But the blogger has given the suggestions correctly (listed at the end of the blog) –but was that given then to her friend at the time of need and did not listen because of prArabDa coupled with weak Freewill and intellect, or it is repentance now is not clear!!
I hear someone murmuring ‘easy to advice to someone posthumously’ and ‘easy to advice others but seldom followed when it come to Self! I pretend not to have heard them, thank God it is murmur only.