“If I were you, I would have done it differently..

You should know how to manage the situation..

I can talk to your people at home, if needed..“


We may call these suggestions, words of advice, though sometimes certainly unsolicited..


A group of friends were talking together when one of them said, “I really was not for taking the step my husband wanted to but I had to follow what he said”.. Another friend, responded saying, “Maybe you should just put your foot down and say it”.. A very well meant advice but the response from the lady who spoke about what she was not interested in doing, stunned everyone to silence, “You should live in the same house as my husband, to know what it is to try and put your foot down”.. 


What is it that makes us to try and live others’ life the way we live ours? People are different, situations are different and each one’s mental makeup is different.. Every one of us, when we give a suggestion and / or an advice mean well indeed; but we truly have no clue about what is happening in the other person’s house or the variables that are at play,.. Others cannot be us and we cannot be them..


Do we think the other person has not tried out various options of handling a situation that they are facing? Do they necessarily want our suggestion or advice and that’s why they share? People many times share their problems with us NOT because they want our thoughts; they just want to vent out what they are going thru.. Perhaps this is their way of finding clarity within themselves and thereon a way to handle the situation that they are facing..They just want someone to listen to them, someone to lend a ear.. someone to lend their shoulder to cry on.. 


In all our well meant good samaritan steps, we lend a small part of our ear and a good part of our mind and vocal chords.. We tell them how to live their lives, how they can handle the situation and how we would have handled the situation or worse still how we had handled such a situation in our lives beautifully.. There are times when I have wondered if anyone will one day tell me, “Come and live my life. If I see that you are handling the situation better than me, then I will listen to what you are saying”.. 

We do that with our children also. “You know when I was your age, I never did anything like this. I did not have the things you have now. My parents could not afford many things. I also did not ask for anything. You are lucky to have this kind of life”. A child once when hearing this from one of the parents replied, “Ma / Pa, you are not born now like me, you did not have parents like I do, you are also not like me. So you cannot compare. You are comparing apples and oranges which are not comparable”.. So succinctly and beautifully put..


There are times, when we actually feel like withdrawing all this advice and suggestion when we see for ourselves, the situation the other person is going through. That is when we say, “Hats off to you for handling the situation the way you are.. I don’t think I can handle the way you are doing”.. 


I know for a fact that there are times when I feel the need to bite my tongue from giving a suggestion / advice when someone needs just my ear and my shoulder.. There are a few practices that has helped me immensely when the need to give suggestion / advice lifts its nasty head..


– Keep the tongue tightly between the two rows of the teeth.. Make sure it does not escape 

– Make sure that the ears are stretched long enough to ONLY listen and hence not easy to retract  

– Keep shoulders broad enough for the other person to just lean on

– Visually imagine living their life and their situations only to feel a shudder going thru. All intent (even if well meant) to suggest / advice will just stop

– If possible, keep lips also tightly closed, and open the lips to let the tongue escape ONLY when the other person earnestly asks for suggestion / advice..


Happy trying!!! 🙂