It was well after ten by the time my grand father and I came back from the monastery. Everyone had retired to their respective rooms and I was able to go straight to my room without looking at anyone and thankfully not speaking to them also.
For some reason, I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I wake up to a gloomy and grey day. Did the day also seem to know my mood and is reflecting it? Well, atleast there is something that seems to be thinking like me. I could not open my eyes and when I did, they seemed heavy and swollen.. I rush to the mirror to see my face. Gosh!! It is all swollen and eyes are red. If I go like this anywhere, there would be too many questions and I don’t want to answer anyone, not now..
My father is particular that I attend school everyday. I WILL NOT be allowed to skip school. But I don’t want to go to school. I cannot make that small talk with my class mates. I cannot show my swollen face either. They will ask me questions that are innocent but which I cannot answer. No one understands me. They all think that I have come from a rich family and that I should be having a great life at home. I want to tell them, “Come home and live my life and then you will know what it is to live there”. With eyes that shoots sparks at me all the time, eyes that show a constant disapproval, eyes that are watching every step of mine and also eyes that look at me with a sorry look most of the time, it seems as though everyone is waiting for me to make the next mistake (well, almost everyone). Am I really so bad that I will make a mistake all the time? Am I so unlikeable that liking me is so difficult? Isn’t there anyone who likes me? Who thinks that I can also do right?
I do not want to get out of bed. I do not want to go to school. I do not want to meet anyone. I do not want to flash that fake smile to anyone. I ALSO do not want to be alone.. What a paradox!!!
I just want to walk and walk and walk aimlessly. I know I can do that but not today, when my father is there.
I want to scream.. I want to shout.. I want to cry loud.. I want to take something and break it.. I feel so restless that I actually start getting scared. My only question was, “How do I handle myself and this situation?”
I want to go and play the piano.. I just want to go banging the keys and hear a nonsensical tune. But if I do that, it is ‘unladylike’ and my father will NOT like it..
I want to talk to someone and NO ONE is there to talk to. I want to cry to someone and NO ONE is there to cry to. I want to nestle my head on someone’s lap and cry out without saying anything and NO ONE is there to do that with. Ahhh!!! How do I handle this? I know it is NOT good to be in this state but I don’t know how to get out of it.
Just then, I hear the voice of my grandfather calling out loudly to me that I was getting late to school. I remember that he has to accompany me today to the school and back. I am thinking that if I start early I will have the time to go to the monastery and the tree and then go to the school. The monastery and seeing the old man will calm me; being at the tree will give me my smile back.
Will the person who was sitting under the tree yesterday be there today too? Something about that person is so comforting.. I liked that smile the person gave me yesterday. Suddenly the day seemed bright and I step out of my room, all ready to face the day.