Everyday seemed to be going in a predictable manner, with each day having its own ups and downs, moments of smiles and sadness and silence and noise; but not so different from one another. Always a start of the day before the sun rises, household chores, work at school, assignments to complete as a part of the masters course which required intense reading, organization of thoughts and transferring them onto paper, discussions with a friend or two or a few in the family and a late retirement to bed. There are many more things that may get done too everyday, which may not have a mention here, There are challenges that come in one or many of these; and each one of them are just handled and it is time to move on with the rest of the day. “Just another day”, is what I used to say when someone asks “How was your day?”

Out of the blue came a period of 3 months that shook me, jolted me, caused sleepless nights and gave a loud ringing wake up call. A minor surgical intervention and two major surgeries all in a span of a month –  multiple periods of stay in the hospital, tests, pins and pricks, innumerable medicines, tubes and bags are just to name a few. Suddenly all predictability got thrown out of the window. Unpredictability became the norm. Everyday was different with each day throwing a different challenge, both physically and mentally; and each challenge looming larger than the one before.

The all bright and cheerful side of me just disappeared and what was peeking out was its light shadow. From a person who loved being with people, I became one who was not ready to meet anyone. I would not pick calls and I would respond to messages after a few hours or after a day or two. To answer ‘what happened and why’ were like reliving the tough moments which I did not want to. All that was my passion – be it reading or listening to music / discourses or stitching, were gathering dust, untouched and not listened to. I seemed to spend my day staring into empty space and bursting into tears every so often –  not really conscious of the impact this would have on the family and close friends.

What I used to say to people when they were going through a tough time is what I heard during some of the tough days..

–          be positive

–          be cheerful

–          don’t be scared

–          this is a passing phase

–          this too shall pass

–          I want to see the cheerful you soon

None of these statements had any impact. The first reaction was to say, “You don’t know what I am going through. Only I know what I am going thru. None of what you are saying makes sense to me now”. One is so deeply mired in the challenges that to come out of it, one has to actually come out of it.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the staring into empty space shaped into focusing on myself. For this focus to emerge I realised that the ONLY person who can help me is MYSELF – be it by coaxing, cajoling, praising or berating myself. This was the time given to me to

–          look around, see and appreciate the support that has been given by people in the   hospital, family and friends

–          look at what I need to do with my life – do I want to go thru life or grow thru life?   (the latter would then encompass what I need to focus on)

–          enable me to deep dive into my understanding of spirituality

–          understand myself, most importantly

This was also the time when it dawned on me to

–          lead a life of compassion and contribution

–          devote an equal share of time to achieve what I need to, for my own personal      growth

–         spend less time to think and analyse on why people do what they do or rather    don’t do

–         appreciate each day as it comes with a reinforcement of the fact that ‘whatever  happens happens for a reason’ even if we may not know the reason for it

–         understand that these challenges are my lot and to accept this lot would be the  wise thing to do

I don’t consciously look back at the last three months but there are times when my thoughts just flash back and I freeze because some of the days have been darker days showing only the light of physical and mental agony.

The road to healing and recovery is indeed time consuming, and it needs to be given its due. However, not a day passes by without a feeling of gratitude to IswarA who has given me the strength to grow thru this period in the safe hands of the doctors, family, friends, and most importantly the grace of my guru pujya swami Dayananda Saraswati.

A close friend put it across beautifully “You are embarking on another milestone in your life” I am not yet aware of the milestone and how my journey towards it is going to be but this has certainly made me look at the days / years ahead with a smile.