A few days after I wrote my blog on ‘Am I handling my emotions or are my emotions handling me’, a friend called me to share her thoughts.. She asked me why I had mentioned ‘happiness’ as an emotion that is another extreme of ‘anger’.. What she asked struck a chord in me.. She asked me if I could give another emotion instead of ‘happiness’,, The words that came to my mind were ‘calm’ and ‘peace’.. Are these emotions, feelings or states of mind – I don’t know, but they seemed more appropriate 🙂
Looking back at this discussion, I can see what she meant – Personally speaking, when I am angry, really angry and when this anger subsides, what is the emotion I am left with? It is actually more of calm /Â peace..
The reasons for anger could be different for each one of us and the way each of us deal with this anger could be equally different..
Do we deal with our anger in the same way in every situation / with every person / in every role, we play? From my observation of my own self and others, I understand that we all deal with our anger differently across situations, depending on the person who is at the other end and the role we / they are playing..
Two important aspects are at play here for the way we deal with our anger..
What ‘we think’ is at stake – our relationship with the other person, our image, the impact it would have on the others around us
Our own background and baggage – the way we have been brought up, the way we have made ourselves from childhood (consciously or unconsciously)
I am reminded of Thomas Harris’s book, ‘I am OK – you’re OK’ and am trying to map the different ways that we deal with anger, with the various permutations and combinations of this concept..
Some of us choose to walk away from the situation, rather in a huff.. – I am OK – you’re not OK
Some of us confront the moment anger hits us, interrupting constantly, what the other person is saying.. – I am OK – you’re not OK
Some of us let the anger build in us, all through the time the situation is unfolding, and erupt the moment the other person has stopped talking; and all the while, we may not have heard anything of what the other person was saying.. – I am not OK – you’re not OK
Some of us switch off as the situation unfolds and the other person is seen to be shouting.. – I am not OK – you’re not OK
Some of us decide to keep quiet; however, there is an anger that is building inside us that we keep suppressing (or rather tanking).. – I am not OK – you’re OK
Some of us may choose to consciously keep quiet, allow the other person to let their steam out and then say what we have to say; or say what we want to say at a later point in time when we feel that the timing is right..- I am OK – you’re OK
Are you mapping the various situations that you have faced, to the above? That’s what I did too, as I was writing this blog 🙂
As I wrote this blog, some questions that occurred, to help understand ourselves better and to bring in more moments of calm / peace into our life..
When does this anger subside? or does it subside at all?
If it subsides, does it give a sense of calm /Â peace?
Which one of the ways with which we deal our anger, leads to a long lasting sense of calm / peace? One that gives the feeling that we have been fair to ourselves and the other (s)..
How do we make this way then as the default way, with which we deal with our anger?
May 5, 2017 at 9:34 pm
This is a very good thought process, for, this itself will help see things better in order that we are not affected by emotions like anger and the consequence thereof hatred.
The questions raised at the end of the blog are very relevant and trying to figure out appropriate answers would surely help.
The reference to ‘this anger’ in the question is taken as generally referring to ‘any anger’, not a ‘particular anger’ generated due to a particular type of cause alone.
The anger subsides as soon as we discover that it was either due to our mistake or an unintentional mistake of others (a case of simple anger). In any other case it would have arisen only because of disappointment caused unfulfilled desire arising out of an unreasonable attachment or jealousy the other man is always better than me (complex anger). The definitions are only for easy reference and it is not suggested as if two types of anger exist. A complex anger arising out of these cases leads to loss of judgement then enmity and ultimately loss of the Self itself. (This is very beautifully stated in the second chapter of BhagavaTgITA itself as an elementary lesson for those who are desirous of leading a proper way of life.
Simple anger is due to inherent shortcoming of human beings capable of easy rectification and therefore can’t be potentially classified as wrong are harmful, but the complex anger is due to wilful neglect of faculties of discretion and intellect and therefore will have serious consequences, no doubt.
If the anger subsides (in the case of the simple ones) calmness returns, but peacefulness is something more than calmness and it will come by practising. In the case of other anger the consequences are unalterable (the subject concerned gets destryed-praNaSyaTi) and the situation of calmness or peace does not arise at all.
Simple anger we need not break our heads in finding a solution as it subsides suo motto.
In the case of complex anger, avoidance is the only recourse. Avoidance of what ‘sangha’ or ‘undue attachment’ (note the word undue). Now that will raise a further doubt-is it possible to live without sangha? Yes it is possible, if the grooming right from the tender age . Who does the grooming? The parents (who are not having sangha, being brought up in a similar way) and the AchArya (a person who guides by his own proper conduct and not by mere preaching just as probably some remuneration motivated management gurus are doing).
Is this possible? Oh yes! we have seen this working in scores of ordinary families!