“I know my son very well”.. “I know my daughter very well”..
We have heard this from many a parent and we have also used it many times.. But how much do we know our child?
Do we know what makes our child happy?
Do we know what makes our child curious?
Do we know what makes our child scared?
Do we know what surprises our child?
Do we know the gestures of our child when they are experiencing a particular emotion?
And most importantly, do we know what our child is doing and what interests them?
This is a thought that always strikes me – we perpetually are seeking, to find out about ourselves more and more.. Where is our wherewithal then, to claim that we know our child very well?
My perspective has always been that if we have taken the responsibility of parenting a child, it is imperative that we understand our child well; to journey with them and to help them to contribute to themselves and to the world at large.. We may provide them certain basic needs which would include food, clothing, shelter and education; we also may work towards instilling values in them..
Many of us are running constantly to achieve what we want to achieve in our lives.. We want to achieve what our parents were not able to.. We want to achieve what we were not able to achieve in our childhood.. We want to achieve because we want to stay ahead.. We want to achieve because we want to achieve, as simple as that (or as complicated as that :-)) . and this achievement could be anything that gives us happiness – it could be money, relationships, fame, name, assets etc., Does bringing up our child also fit into this? It most certainly does..
Each one of us want to give our child the best of everything.. And one of the best things that we can give to our child, is our time.. Does it just mean the time that we spend with them – in talking to them, playing with them, shopping with them and going for a holiday with them? Yes, it certainly means that, but it also means the time that we spend ‘on’ them..
With them or on them, this is just semantics one may say.. When we are playing with them or taking them out or talking with them, we are engaged in an activity with them.. How much time are we able to spend time thinking about what they did or what they said or what they wanted to say but did not? (and we did may have just noticed a pause that was given, when it was not needed). Many times, the time that we spend ‘on’ them gives us indicators that we may not have spotted otherwise; and when we mull on it and probe further with our child in a timely manner, it certainly goes a long way in our understanding of our child..
Some instances that I have encountered have made me curious on this question of ‘Do we know our child?
A 12 year old showed me a box of 100 key chains that he had collected.. Key chains from different places and of different kinds and an interesting variety.. When asked why he collected the key chains he said, “I like it.. That’s why”.. I asked him about his parents reaction when they heard that he was collecting.. His answer took me by surprise. He said, “I did not tell them for a long time.. When I realized that the key chains could not be stored in the small box and I needed a new one, is when I told them”.
This 15 year old was pulling out the names of different restaurants that specialize in different cuisines. I asked him how frequently they eat out, given the information he was ‘dishing’ out.. He shared that his parents do not prefer to eat out and all the information he was sharing was what he had heard from his friends.. He added in the same breath, “Aunty, please do not tell my parents about what we discussed”. Quite unfortunately, I could not probe on this to understand why; and this is still an open loop in my mind 🙂
In the half yearly exam, this boy who is in class 11 had scored low marks in about 2 subjects. He shared this with his mother on the same day. Mother and son are wondering how to share this news with the father.
13 year old she is and she confided with her friend, on her love for a boy in her class. Her friend shared this news with the boy and the boy promptly told his teacher.. When the teacher spoke to both of them, the girl started crying and requested her teacher not to share on this with her parents..
My 9 year old, emptied his lunch box into the dust bin before coming home.. My neighbor saw it and thought I should know about it..
It was an expensive watch that the mother had gifted to her daughter. She gave it to her friend to wear for a day and her friend did not return it for a few more days. The girl shared this news with her father, not knowing how her mother would take it if she knows that the watch has been given to her friend..
Just out of her teens, this young adult used to store her shorts and her western outfits deep inside her cupboard, where it would be difficult for anyone to find them, even if they were to look into her cupboard. If she wanted to attend a party with her friends, she used to change her clothing in her friend’s house or at the hotel where the party was held; and used to change her clothes once again before coming home.
The school had written a note to the parent of a 12 year old, on the aggressiveness of the child.. The child had torn the sheet so carefully that it cannot be noticed, unless it is keenly observed..
An age when liking for someone of the opposite sex starts setting in, this 19 year old shared his liking for a girl in his college with his mother’s close friend..
The 18 year old has her eyes set on becoming a fashion designer studying in an Indian Institute specializing in this domain.. Her father wants her to study abroad and has found the details and shared it with his daughter. She is not revealing her desire to her father as she knows how his reaction would be, if he gets to know about this..
As I write theses incidents, my mind goes back to the questions at the start of this blog; and I connect it to the question on how much time we spend ‘on’ our child.. This makes me ask myself, “Do I spend time ‘on’ my children to help me to understand them better and to make them contribute to their growth and to the world at large?”
May 30, 2017 at 1:17 am
“How much do we know our child”? This has become a trendy topic for a few decades now. The main purpose of course is noble, viz., for spending time ‘on’ or ‘with’ our children to help us to understand them better and to make them contribute to their growth and to the world at large!
That inescapable objective therefore leads us to go into further depth like “Do we know what makes our child curious, happy, scary, surprise etc. etc. and do we understand their emotional gestures and what they are interested in” giving rise to a science necessitating doing master’s, doctorate and even post doc in it!
My perspective here has always been a little different in this regard based on a set of logics as below.
A child until its age of one year is just an infant and at this stage its mother in association with the grandmothers (see I am consciously including both the maternal and paternal grandmothers, omitting the father and the grandfathers who know very little of the child at this stage), are very capable of handling its simple and routine needs- no need to worry here.
Then comes the stage of baby, when the child attempts to speak, move, play etc. and this age range is between its second year and completion of its fourth year. Here again, I do not think a great deal of psychology need to come in, as the only requirement is to take care of its basic needs of food, playing and elders’ nearness, which can be amply be taken care of by the same group as in infant stage with the supportive stepping in of the father and the grandfathers (their roles make a beginning here).
Up to this stage whether it is the child of yesteryears or modern day the same situation (except perhaps the missing of grandparents because of nuclear families) remains.
It is just when the fifth year commences, the complexities do commence, not in a sudden spurt, but on a smooth curve. Now the child’s ‘external education’ starts and a new personality steps in viz., the teacher! This period is a fairly long one spanning about fifteen years. Here certain changes have occurred in the past 6-7 decades which undoubtedly played a part.
What are those changes?
Originally it used to be
1. The male child was sent out on boarding to remain with his teacher! No scope for the parents to play a role here, other than seeing him periodically at the teachers’ place with the teachers’ consent!
2. The girl child was trained by her mother herself, in her own house till she reached the age of puberty and was married off at that tender age!
3. The education curriculum for the male child was straight forward- learning the righteous way of life (common syllabus), then depending upon which family they come from, advanced study like teaching in sacrificial rituals, practice in armory, training in business and guidance in rendering of services.
4. The educational curriculum for the girl child was home making (not an easy one though it is described in a single line).
See, the boy child was totally under the protective custody of an able teacher who came in a flawless hierarchy of teachers and the girl child in the ever caring custody of a loving mother, supported by a devoted father both of whom were adept because of coming in the system handed down by tradition! The carrying on of life was simple; less wants, more contents and life in tune with Nature.
Thus the environment and the life-style was automatically had an in-built system of taking care of the child-psychology seamlessly and there was hardly any scope for any anxiety what so ever in ‘learning to understand’!
Came the modern age of increased wants associated with greed-triggered ‘industrial revolution’, and the urge for one to stay ahead of others! This has brought havoc in the definition of family itself! This new era has not only cut short the teaching and learning style but also ushered in pressure on the parents themselves! This has what stepped up the complexities of upbringing of a ‘responsible citizen’. Of course, this is usual with the human nature- creating a monster and then ‘devising ingenious ways’ to tackle that monster and claim credit for both creation and tackling. No need to say how and where such a move will end up, after ‘harmlessly’ beginning with the need to study child-psychology and escalating into our perpetual seeking, ‘to find out about ourselves more and more’ and getting stunned with “Where is our wherewithal then, to claim that we know our child very well”?
A question may be interjected here- “Are you telling what we are having, the so called ‘advancement’ are all actually deterioration and what was prevailing in the olden days was right? My reply would be “Please ponder over yourselves, what the objective of life is and come to your own conclusions”.
Is it ‘Living the simple way in tune with nature and get taught by it and thereby graduate a child from infant to adult like blossoming of a flower in the normal way OR ‘Driven by greed, Create a monster of harmful living atmosphere and device scientific methods of controlling it’ for shaping our child as a responsible citizen?
My perspective taking the responsibility of parenting a child includes putting him in a proper way of life first and not ignoring that aspect and try to ‘understand our child well’ or journey with them and to help them to contribute to themselves and to the world at large! All other aspects of giving time will lose practical significance if the natural environment is not provided. It is just like growing plants in a glass house providing artificial atmosphere only.
If a proper environment is provided and lifestyle ensured the parent-child relationship will have a natural bondage and the child then will not look at the parent like an alien and all the incidents we come across of dramatic nature will disappear in my opinion.