Just the other day I heard two people talking, with one telling the other, “From what I have seen of you in the last one week, I can see that you are being harsh on yourself. This comes out evidently in the way you talk and share. You seem to be undermining yourself.”. As the discussion between those two people proceeded, I went into my usual thinking mode.
What is it that makes us to be harsh on ourselves?
Why do we undermine ourselves?
When we look back into our own lives, we may perhaps be able to cull out many an instance when we have
– felt that we are always wrong and others are always right (the Thomas Harris philosophy of ‘You are OK, I am not OK)
– blamed ourselves for a situation that has gone differently from what others expected it to go (or to say rather, a situation that has gone wrong). We actually analyse the situation and look for that small thing that we did, which caused everything to go wrong and we go on beating ourselves for it
– praised others when others did a great job and when we do a job that is equally great, tell ourselves that we could have done it better
– found reasons why we have not done a great job even when others compliment us for doing a great job
– always thought of how we cannot do a job well even when others think we can
Every one of the above is an effect that we see.. And every effect will have a cause.. and what is the cause? Low self esteem..
We actually don’t mind going to any length to pull ourselves down, in our own eyes. And every time we pull ourselves down, we find it difficult to stand tall in our own eyes.. The more we do this, the more small we feel.. The more small we feel, the smaller steps we take to move forward.. The smaller steps we take to move forward, the more we feel as though we are stagnating.. The more we feel that we are stagnating, the more we are frustrated and angry with ourselves.. The more frustrated and angry we are with ourselves, the more we dislike ourselves.. The more we dislike ourselves, the more we feel small… And it goes on.. This is a vicious never ending cycle..
There is also a flip side to this.. To counter this low self esteem, we also sometimes tell ourselves that we do no wrong and will do no wrong.. The other side of the Thomas Harris philosophy comes into place – I am OK and you are not OK.. This is a pseudo high self esteem that gives its attendance every now and then, as a filler. This pseudo high self esteem comes with such force that it is seen as arrogance by a few with whom it is displayed. Quite unconsciously for many of us,this is our mask to hide the low self esteem..
There comes a time in life when this low self esteem and the countering pseudo high self esteem, start having its negative impact on us.. That is when alarm bells ring loudly within us, alerting us to look into ourselves..
How do we do and what do we do to moderate this self esteem?
1. Tell ourselves everyday, that we are living our purpose and that we are an important cog, in the wheel of life
2. Say a heartfelt ‘thank you’ when others compliment us for a great job done
3. Pat ourselves in the back (literally) and verbally compliment ourselves for a great job done (deep down we know that we have actually done a great job)
There are perhaps many more practices that one can follow but I have shared the top 3 in my perspective..
None of this is as easy as it sounds but practicing it consistently is the key to moderation of this self esteem and reach the level to say ‘I am Ok, You are OK’..
May 2, 2017 at 8:31 am
There are proverbs like “every dog has its day”, equivalent to what is stated in Tamil ‘if an elephant can enjoy it’s day today, tomorrow (or day after or a few more days after!!) can be the day of the cat! I do not know whether in Tamil it is meant to arrest someone falling into depression that his/her day will never arrive or boost some one else’s self-esteem to transform himself/herself from a cat to elephant or it is just that it is a fact of life that is being hinted. It appears that the third possibly is more vocally heard, if we hear the English proverb, than if the Tamil proverb is looked at!
Coming to self criticism, it may not be counterproductive as long as it does impart a skill of looking at the errors committed more effectively, by ourselves standing apart, than if it is done by others in which case probably the ‘Self-esteem’ could be felt to be at stake! In fact, it is for the very reason introspection itself is done, not for merely passing over what we have done. But the caution should be that one should not get into a shell as if a big blunder has been committed! If one is successful in developing this attitude then there is no room for worrying about self criticism at all!
Coming to self patting, it is just the opposite of self criticism that is all, as long as the patting is done on real merits.
In Vaishnava philosophy, I have often heard of the word ‘Naichya bhAva’ (or considering oneself as the lowermost) and even worse, ParaaparAdha swayam dharaNam’ (or owning even the mistake done by others as if it is done by ourselves. For the latter, Bharatha’s plight and soliloquy when he comes to Ayodhya and learns about RAma’s exile is often quoted as illustration. He starts off blaming his father, his mother, her servant maid and even RAma and LakshmaNa (for accepting the exile rather than fighting it), but finally says that it is he who was responsible, for, had he not gone to his uncle’s place the exile itself could not have taken place and therefore, it is he who has to own mistake!
But to me, it sounded (when I first heard from an eloquent discourse), it could be a double edged weapon capable of harming the holder. It is most certainly the nicest thing to do so in order that the evil of ‘Adambitvam’ can never enter a person displaying that attitude, provided (emphasis supplied) the he is a highly matured person who can even shift to display of bravery if situation warrants! It may not be so for a person who has not yet graduated himself into the nuances of Self-appraisal even!
Never mind, the reason for quoting this is how even wise people look at things at a diametrically opposite perspectives.