Is age really just a number?

Age is just a number – This is a statement oft heard, especially when one does something at an age when one is not expected to do :-).. Personally for me, this statement isn’t really true always.. Sometimes age is not just a number – it is real, especially when you start on a new journey at a later age in life. Physically, the body has gone thru a lot. Mentally or rather emotionally, lots of baggages are carried. Both of these bring with it, their own challenges and many a stumbling block. However, the one aspect that is a great saviour is the spirit.  The strength of the spirit has the power to work with the body and the mind and there is no looking back after that.

When I began my journey of training in Ninjutsu which is a martial art form, I had just completed 55 years of age. I did not look up Google aunty to read up on this martial art nor did I seek any information on this from anyone. I jumped into it with the desire to explore this art form, having heard snippets of information on how the experience of being in the class is. It just lured my spirit.

There were zilch thoughts in my mind of whether I would be able to do or not.. no idea of the effort involved, physically or mentally. This ignorance sometimes helps, especially as there are no self-doubts to begin with. I was also super confident that having learnt Yoga and Pilates for a couple of years, Ninjutsu would flow with relative ease. In hindsight, I wonder if it was over confidence!!

After the first couple of classes, I realised that my body was in no shape to do any of the techniques. Physically, the last 55 years it has been conditioned doing certain activities which involved no extensive or intensive movement other than my walks which I love; and the 2 year old Yoga and Pilates. Suddenly, I needed to learn to go low on my centre of gravity, be grounded and maintain balance, punch, kick and roll. The legs would barely lift and the kick would be a tap on the opponent’s feet . There was no front or back roll for me – front roll was a side front roll, back roll was a back side roll,  and a side roll was a side side roll. Every roll in effect was a side roll!! My rolls would look so funny to me, even as I was rolling.

There was also that constant fear of – what if I injure myself? This fear would create a HUGE resistance to roll and to fall. Letting go of this fear was / is a marathon task. To let go of that fear, I need to fall and roll carefully and slowly and thats when the confidence builds; and that takes time. This is going to be a work in progress for quite some time to come. The first few months, post every class, the rolls, the punches and the kicks would leave me groaning and moaning. I would come back home and  just sit for sometime. Walking after that to complete chores, would be arduous but it had to be done. I love sitting on the floor and would create opportunities to do that; but if I sit I would find it difficult to get up and vice versa. By the time, the aches and the pains lessen, it would be time for the next class. Muscles, joints, bones – each of them moving to their own tune, were having their own concert!

With age, there is so so much stored in the memory. Quite some past memories have to be offloaded for new memory to be stored. That is an onerous task indeed. In the class, while observing a technique, it appears to get uploaded in the mind.  When I execute the action, is when the error pops up!! Drive full!! No space to store data. Oops, so what next? I launch into my running commentary of every step of the technique, as I train with another person. One move from the person, different from what I saw and I go Kaput!! Running commentary also stops. I realise that the running commentary helps in immediate recall. As for retention and long-term recall, muscle memory should reveal itself in time.  By then I will be some more years older and what happens then is anybody’s guess.

If this was the physical plane, the mental plane was a different ball game altogether.

When I joined this class, it was barely 6 months since the sudden loss of my only sibling, younger to me by two years. My emotions were raw in some ways. Handling the emotions of my parents wasn’t easy. My brother’s family were going thru their own extremely tough moments. It was quite some juggling to do for me.  This was also the time when the last leg of my PhD journey was going thru some difficult times.   Every Ninjutsu class raised questions in me about my thoughts, beliefs, perspectives and values. These questions brought in mind past experiences, that would create its own turmoil. here were many moments of “Shucks man!! Why did I do this then?”, “I could have behaved differntly”, “Why didn’t I give space for them to be themselves?” etc etc. And these are from situations that would have happened many many years back. My threshold for discomfort and turmoil has always been high. However now with age, when it hits, the time taken to snap back gets  longer. So much baggage of emotions and memories carried!! Unlearning and relearning aint easy!! Takes time and truck loads of trial, effort and motivation at 55 to do this!! What helped immensely was writing blogs based on learnings from the class!! This was cathartic and helped me resolve some personal experiences  in my mind.

Though this part hasn’t affected me emotionally, it still causes some amount of irritation and that sits on the mind for a while. When people ask me

– You are learning a martial art to lose weight?

– You are learning to defend yourself? or do you want to get some belts?

– Why now at this age?

– I understand a man learning, but why a woman who is at this age?

Can’t stop people from asking but I can control my reaction I guess!!

What gives immense joy to feel, is the spirit. There may be challenges that present itself physically and mentally, but the spirit to learn this martial art is unfazed and unfettered. No matter the difficulty at the mental or physical plane, there is something that is feeding the spirit to keep going, to keep training, to keep learning, to keep the Sanshin (body, mind, spirit). An unknown factor which I am immensely thankful for. Additionally, one of the key factors that feeds the spirit is the class itself. The class gives a strong feeling to me that

– age isn’t a criteria for being there

– you do what comes to you

– when you ask for help to train, it is given

– nothing is right or wrong and nothing is good or bad

– you are not compared to anyone

This has been a healing factor physically, mentally, emotionally and spirit (ually) 🙂

Perhaps 55 is the right time and right place for me to learn this martial art; with the people I am learning from and training with.