tulitA was so lost in thought that she did not see or hear vedA approaching her. vedA was surprised. It was unusual of tulitA to not be observant. “All of us go thru situations in life, which immerses us in our own thoughts.” thought vedA.

“A paisa for your thoughts, tulitA” said vedA as she neared her.

tulitA: Sorry vedA. There is something that I have been hearing, that is occupying my mind for the past few days. This is not something new but for some reason, it has struck a greater impact now. I keep hearing people compare their children with others. When I say ‘their children’ it could also be people who are now adults but for parents, they are still ‘their children’. I wonder if for the parents (and this could include me also), ‘their child’ ever grows old.

vedA: Hey, but don’t all parents do it, even when they have young children?

tulitA: Yes they do, vedA but why doesn’t it ever stop? I am not saying all parents do but I hear many parents doing it. Whether their children are young or they have become adults or even older adults, this tendency to compare them with others seem to be an ongoing process.

vedA: I understand what you are saying, tulitA. They don’t explicitly compare, do they?

tulitA: Comparison happens in different ways, vedA. Some people compare their children in front of others. When these children are teenagers or of a lesser age, it makes these children to dislike themselves and also the others with whom they are compared. There is also anger against the parent who is doing the comparison. When ‘their children’ are adults (when I say ‘their children’ in single quotes, it means adults, immaterial of them being younger or older adults), the way the comparison is done seems to be different.

vedA: That’s interesting, tulitA, including your explanation of what you mean by the terms, within single quotes or otherwise 🙂 Go on..

tulitA: When parents compare their children with their peers, I always wonder why the comparison happens.

Is it because they look for their child to be someone else, in terms of abilities and capabilities?

This child is a child by their own rights, isn’t it?

How can they be different from what they are? Why are parents expecting them to be different and compare them with others?

And if the child decides to be different in order to please the parent, then the child is not being themselves, isn’t it?

Gosh!! What a life for the child!! A life not living for what they actually are, but for what their parents want them to be!! Won’t they grow up to become adults who have a great inner conflict of being themselves yet not!!

vedA: tulitA, this sounds really morose when I hear your questions. Parents mean well when they compare, isn’t it? They just want their child to become better. That does not seem to be a lofty expectation, as I think about it!!

tulitA: vedA, I am tempted to say this. When two of us stand in front of the mirror and ask – “Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the better one of…?”, our intent also means well, isn’t it? We want the mirror to tell who is better. However, remember that the mirror only reflects what is shown to it. but WE SEE the reflection from different angles.. our own experiences in our life, makes us draw perspectives.. the angles and perspectives that WE SEE, makes us arrive at our own conclusions.. When we express these angles and perspectives and conclusions thru’ a mode of comparing, the reflection takes on HUGE proportions.

vedA: You mean, we reflect what we want the world to see? or rather, the world sees what we reflect?

tulitA: I think the latter is more appropriate. When as parents we reflect that another child is better than our child, we are telling the world that we think that our child is not good enough. And when we keep doing this comparison again and again and again and again and again, the world is likely to think on similar lines. Children then will not only have to battle their parents to show them that they are good enough, but they also need to battle the world alongside. In the midst of all they, they have their own internal battles to fight. How many battles will they fight, every moment? They then are so busy fighting battles, that they have no time to strengthen themselves. And we say ‘Sharpen the saw’!!! One needs time and energy for that, isn’t it?

vedA: Oh my god!! This is going to take time to assimilate, tulitA. I cannot but ask – what about the adults you were talking about, when their parents compare them with other adults?

tulitA: This is rather a different one.. When parents compare ‘their children’, I also observe that the comparison does not happen directly in front of ‘their children’. Either parents have become older and realise that this direct comparison may not work.. or they feel ‘their children’ have grown and they think any more of direct comparison has become null and void.. or they have found an effective way for themselves. They sometimes compare the characteristics of someone else with that of ‘their children’, when ‘their child’ is not around. ‘Their child’ sometimes gets to hear about it and sometimes may not (depends of the closeness of that someone else with this person and whether the person wants to share at all :-)). Sometimes the comparison is made in front of ‘their child’ but indirectly enough – “Oh, you should see the way they are. It is amazing to see how they are. It is so nice to see them like this. Despite so many others changing themselves, these people continue to follow certain things.” If you follow the direction of this dialogue, you may find heavy sighs and surreptitious looks at the person they are indirectly talking to.. as though to say, “hey look, I am a trifle disappointed but I am adjusting.” I also think vedA that at this stage parents realise their helplessness at not being able to do anything about the situation.. they are perhaps also wondering if they should have raised ‘their children’ differently. too late to do a rewind :-).. As adults, we may say that all this comparison no longer matters to us because we think we have arrived.. However, being the humans that we are, it does sometimes hit us hard. This only makes us wonder, what is wrong with the way we are!!

vedA: Oh oh, tulitA, I can almost see this conversation happening in my life. Another mirror mirror on the wall, who is the better one of..? situation 🙂 though this time, the parent sees ‘their child’ now and wish the child was different from what they see.. Ah!! We make our lives so complicated, isn’t it, by comparing and wishing our children’s life to be different? Shouldn’t we instead be celebrating the difference, that makes each child so different from one another?

Life a kaleidoscope of shards of different colored glass pieces and paper, making it so beautiful to look at, at every turn of it..  Each one of us is a glass shard or a bit of colored paper and so different from one another.. Time to celebrate the difference instead of striving to make a child similar to another.. The mirror has just answered the question 🙂