This blog post is derived from quite a few situations, that have been blogged upon in the previous chapters. Be it the conversation between Mandarai and Kaikeyi or Kaikeyi and Dasaratha or Sita and Rama, every one of these had the component of one person influencing the other. In the attempt to influence the other person, there is resistance faced. This resistance brings out a slew of words from the person who is attempting to influence.  Makes me recall what Pujya swAmi Dayananda Saraswati said  – that words by themselves are meaningless, but it is the meaning of the words that leaves an impact.

– So when someone resists our attempt to influence, what gets triggered in us?

– Is it frustration of not knowing what would influence the other person?

– Is it helplessness, of not knowing how to take it further?

– Is it anger of not being able to easily influence the other person?

It seems to be a combination of all emotions – that of helplessness, frustration and anger. A lethal combination indeed!! This combination is what causes the uncontrollable flow of words. As I write this, I can see a cloak of all the three emotions effervescently bubbling, which each emotion tripping over one another, to cover our thought process completely, not allowing it to peek even so slightly. If our thought process was allowed a tiny peek, it will then take over to tell us to control our emotions and thereby our words also, saving a lot of hardship.

As I mull over this and write this blog post, I am also wondering why when attempting to influence, we say many things that we are not supposed to; which we may regret much later.

– Is it because we think that talking negatively will egg the other person to act in the way we want them to?

– Is it because it will make the other person to be so angry with what we are saying, that they will give in to what we want?

– Is it because we get into the conversation, thinking (even if it is the tiniest of hopes) that the other person will readily agree to what we say; hence, we don’t anticipate the need to influence. So when it reaches the situation of influencing the other person, we are NOT ready for it.

It is interesting that while many of us want to ensure that our relationship with others remain strong, all this flies out of the window when the emotions of helplessness, frustration and anger tumbles out. In that moment of being in this cauldron of emotions, impact of this on the future is nowhere in sight and hence NOT seen 🙂

I am just listing out some words that I have heard being used in moments of helplessness, frustration and anger, especially when one person could not influence another.. The person who was to be ‘influenced’ reacts and this volley of words causes a rift in the relationship or deepens the rift that is already there.. No explanations or any number of apologies helps bridging the rift that is created. In some cases, a rift may not be created but the person who is to be ‘influenced’ stays in the relationship, always prepared for such words that may be said in the future also.

  •  A teenager tells a parent, “Go to hell”, when the parent did not accept to give in to the teenager’s need to go to a party that will go on till midnight. The parent says, “That I went when you were born”. The teenager later tells the parent, “You know me well enough to understand that I said it in anger. Don’t take it so personally.”
  • A parent tells the child when expectations on academics is not met, “At this rate, you will end up on the streets.” The child says, “If I do, you can ignore me when you see me.”
  • A parent tells their adult son, “Even when I die, don’t come for my last rites.”. The son says, “Let me see who will do it for you then.”
  • A woman tells her servant maid, “If you leave, there are many others who will do a better job than you.”. The servant maid retorts, “Try it. At least I have worked in your house for a few years. Others may not even last for a year.”
  • A teacher tells a student, “You are fit for nothing.” The student thinks, “Like the teacher is the student.”

We have heard people tell us when we are frustrated and angry, “Don’t be frustrated and angry. Control it.” This only makes us more angry. That’s when we feel like saying, “For heaven’s sake, I want to be angry. Don’t stop me.”

Personally, I have realised that many times, anger is an unexpected emotion. It just arises as suddenly as a smile does. BUT between the time the anger arises and the words get shot off the mouth, there is a time lapse. If we are able to spot that time lapse, then we can let our thought process to take a tiny peek. And if we are able to do this in as many of our time lapses, we learn to digest our words (no pun intended :-)). I am NOT saying ‘Swallow our words’ because when we swallow it, it may still be in our throat. Out it will come at the next possible instance. This does not mean that we don’t shoot off our mouth. We may do it at times but this is few and far between. After all we are humans, aren’t we?