A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to first read the 3 parts of ‘Stroke in the canvas called ‘The Value of Values’ and also The Value of Values – Unfolding Value 1 – amAnitvam’ (Clicking on the label ‘Values’ will get all these blogs in one screen).. Even though the language used by pUjya swAmiji in this book is simple, his explanations are so profound that I wish I do justice in aligning my understanding to his explanation; as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon these values, is due to an error in my understanding alone..
adambhitvam means absence of pretence. A value that seems similar to amAnitvam and yet different.
While mAnitvam means self conceit or haughtiness and based on one’s real abilities and achievements, dambham is when one claims achievement or abilities by a pretense of possessing the same. dambha when combined with the word tvam which means you, becomes dambhitvam which means ‘to pretend possessing achievements and abilities’
‘a’ is the absence of something. When ‘a’ is combined with dambhitvam, it becomes adambhitvam which means absence of pretense.
Is it possible for us to pretend possessing abilities that we don’t have or achievements that we have not made? After multiple readings of this value, I understood that it certainly is possible. As I was reading on this value, my mind went back to my childhood. As a teenager, to fit into a group, I pretended to have a few material possessions which I did not have. I had to always remember what I pretended to have because I had to maintain this story (no pun intended :-)) to more than one person. I did not want to run the risk of being found out if they exchange notes.
I was pretending to have something I did not have. I was pretending to be someone I was not. I wanted to make people to look up to me and to respect me . I felt that if I tell them that I did not have these possessions they will not allow me to be a part of the group. I was not confident and secure of myself. I was not feeling good of myself. I wanted people to feel good about me.
I thought that these things that I ‘seemingly’ had will make them accept me. This was my dambhitvam. Quite unfortunately for me, I was getting uncomfortable about what I was pretending to have and pretending to be. I remember that this came in the way of my learning and hence my performance in school too. Fortunately for me too, I realised that I need to keep building stories as the expectations of the group I wanted to fit in kept changing and I needed to keep up with the change. This was becoming too much for me to handle.
The moment this understanding came in, another thought also walked in hand in hand, ‘Accept me as I am and if you don’t, it is your loss’. Here came the demand for others to accept me and respect me.. dambhitvam became mAnitvam :-).. It took a few years but to my fortune,dambhitvam went away to reveal adambhitvam.. amAnitvam is however not consistent in its presence 🙂 🙁
Is it possible for us to have both dambhitvam and mAnitvam? Given that we are individuals handling multiple roles, it is also my understanding that it is possible to have both – to make people respect us and look up to us by claiming what we don’t have; and to demand respect for what we have.. After all, there are always two sides to every coin. To have dambhitvam and mAnitvam running within us all the time and across different situations, can be an overwhelming state to be in. There is that constant sense of inadequacy that needs to be fulfilled which then leaves us in that vulnerable position of the external world (be it situations or people) driving our life. Gives that feeling of being chained within the shackles of what we have created for ourselves.
Does dambhitvam suddenly emerge when we are in our 30’s, 40’s and 50’s? Perhaps not. When we silently ponder upon ourselves in those moments of introspection, we see that we may have been doing it when we were younger too, in some situations and with some people. It seems to bother after we have reached a certain age. The baggage is felt and understandably weighing us down.
There are many of us who want to fit in, who pretend to be what we ARE NOT and pretend to have what we DO NOT. There is also the need to pretend that we possess abilities and achievements that are better than what it actually is..
All this just to experience the joy of being respected, accepted and approved? By whom? By others? Why do we need others’ approval, others’ respect and others’ acceptance?
If WE CANNOT approve ourselves, respect ourselves and accept ourselves, NO ONE ELSE will. We actually don’t need dambhitvam, isn’t it?Easier said than done. How do we make dambhitvam go away, to see adambhitvam? Just a few steps to follow..
– accept ourselves as we are
– like ourselves as we are
– ‘Owning’ up to what we are, who we are and how we are (with our limitations)
– reveal the simplicity that is in us, by removing the need to pretend
There is time and space that we are engulfed in, when we experience, reflect and radiate amAnitvam and adambhitvam – absence of self conceit and absence of pretense respectively. Just writing this sentence alone, I feel as though I have lots of space around me to stretch my hands wide and welcome more learning to happen..
May 31, 2017 at 12:25 am
‘aDambhiTvam’ correctly means ‘absence of pretence’, but supplemented by the phrase ‘with intent to deceit making what is not true as true’! Therefore I do not see how it can seem to be similar to ‘amAniTvam’, which only means ‘absence of desire for honour, arising out of humility’. The similarity may exist only if the general meaning of ‘pride’ which is prima face there in both the cases. However, this has been correctly amplified in the following paragraph in the blog:
“While ‘mAnitvam’ means ‘self conceit’ or ‘haughtiness’ and based on one’s real abilities and achievements (leading to accrual of honor), ‘DambhiTvam’ is when one claims ‘achievement or abilities by a pretence of possessing the same”- absolutely correct.
‘Dambha’ when combined with the word ‘Tvam’ would only mean ‘being possessed of Dambha’ (‘Tvam’ essentially giving a sense of continuity-constancy is implied). Therefore, there seems to be hardly any scope for ‘Tvam’ to mean ‘you’, unless it is meant “in the presence of a caller like Almighty or AchArya pointing a finger at us (I, you, he/she) accusing us- ‘oh! You, the possessor of Dambha’!
We have to also remember that each and every pretension of our possessing abilities that we don’t have are not necessarily ‘Dambha’, unless there is intent to deceit is present. That doesn’t mean we can indulge in deceit-less pretensions as a rule, for, in due course as we ‘age’ (!) it can graduate into ‘intent to deceit’! We need not feel bad for whatever was unintentionally done in childhood are all ‘Dambha’ and lose peace. When that intent to deceit is not cultivated in us, we ourselves will discard this childhood pretensions by maturity.
Yes, the moment such a maturity comes in, the thought, ‘I am what I am and I can graduate myself by my own efforts’, would also be possible to walk hand by hand; but it doesn’t necessarily imply the arrogance of ‘Accept me as I am and if you don’t, it is your loss’ to follow, to get aDambiTva. That way it may pave way for an unwanted ‘mAniTva’ which we are not interested in.
Is it possible for us to have both dambhitvam and mAnitvam? Assumption of simultaneous presence of both is a very long shot for the simple reason, then we (Given that we are individuals handling multiple roles) will have to retain two honors; one due to what abilities we really have justifying a pride and another, a false one, to make others respect us for pretension of having something which we don’t have! To maintain that stance in a long term looks to me as impossible unless we have that extraordinary ability of ‘AgatiTa gatanA sAmartyam’ (combining non-conjunctives)! We can as well be better off with the simultaneous presence of amAniTvam and aDambiTvam which is possible at least with an effort!!
Is it possible for DambhiTvam to suddenly emerge in any age? Why not, driven by the circumstances (advent of power, richness, education, physique and son), unless our upbringing had been strong right from our childhood.
It is possible when we silently ponder upon ourselves in those moments of introspection, we may see that we might have been doing it when we were younger, in some situations and with some people, but with good upbringing it would have at some stage bothered us as we mature. It is correctly stated that the baggage would have been certainly felt as understandably weighing us down.
Under the said circumstances the urge to just experience the joy of our being respected, accepted and approved by others will not be there, any more, I am certain. The only step required here is, ‘discard pretence’. We will then certainly feel as though we have lots of space around us to stretch our hands wide and welcome more learning to happen.
But most important point not discussed is, why aDambiTvam? It is because we do not waste our time and energy in pretensions, which would be available for our learning other values to graduate ourselves into ‘KsheTragya’. This will dawn on us as we age, due to our good upbringing which is eventually a key factor!