A request and a disclaimer: Before you begin to read this blog, request you to first read the 3 parts of  ‘Stroke in the canvas called ‘The Value of Values’, part 1 and part 2 of the Value ‘ahimsA’. You may also choose to read the two blogs on the values of  amAnitvam and adambhitvam, though they are not a prerequisite to reading this value.  The language and explanations used by pUjya swAmiji is so profound, that I wish I do justice by aligning my understanding to his explanation, as I parallelly try to relate it to day to day living.. Any error in the way I have blogged upon these values, is due to an error in my understanding alone.

When Pramati and Jagruti met again after a couple of days, they looked thoughtful. It took a few minutes for a conversation to open between them.  When it did, it flowed like a river, unmindful of any obstacles that came in its way. 

Jagruti: You know Pramati, I need to say thanks to you. If it was not for our conversation a couple of days back, I would not have been able to contemplate so much.

Pramati: The feeling is mutual, Jagruti. I would like to now hear from you on how you have been able to measure your words, tone and also able to bounce back to your cheerful self. What did you do or rather what did you not do?

Jagruti (going down her memory lane): I was pretty fixated on the kind of person I was and how I needed to be. I was equally clear on how I wanted others to be. Any deviations from this will cause a lot of tension within me and in the helplessness of not being able to meet this, I will blow off my handle frequently. As you said, no swearing or foul words but my tone will be harsh, my face will take on a tough expression and as for my body, it will scream to the others, “Don’t say a word more. Just keep quiet and listen”. It was many times ‘my way or the high way’. I will feel bad later at having shouted or getting angry with others but that did not stop me from getting angry. There were also times when I would be so angry with someone, especially if I think that I have been wronged with no mistake of mine. I will wish that they go thru what I was going thru, some time in their life. If you ask me now, I will say that having such a thought is himsA. At that time though, ahimsA and himsA for me was just about being a vegetarian or not one. Did I have control on such thoughts? No. Did I become aware that having such thoughts was not right? Yes, after quite a while of the thought occurring. 

Pramati: Sorry for interrupting but how did the change in you come about? 

Jagruti (with a smile): People used to tell me to control my anger and also used to tell me that getting angry is not good for me. That used to irritate me more. People tell me ‘what’ I need to do but not ‘how’ to do it. I used to feel miserable after I get angry and shout at people even more. I will try suppressing my anger and that will make me angry even more. It is like that vessel of boiling water. You keep a lid on the boiling water thinking that the water will not boil over but it will push the lid and continue to splash all around. That is how suppressing my anger was.

Pramati: So what helped?

Jagruti: What helped was rather strange, looking back 🙂 Though I now strongly believe that nothing is strange and neither is anything a co-incidence. Some statements I heard and some that I read upon started echoing in me from time to time. And that helped.

– Welcome any emotion that comes in you. 

– When you are angry and you know that you are likely to say something that may hurt the other person, tell them that you would like to stay away from the conversation and that you would like to refrain from saying anything. If it is possible, move away from that place.

– When others say something to hurt you and you think you are likely to get provoked, again move away if you can. Alternatively, draw a mental insulation around you. and let no one walk into this insulated area without your permission.  

Pramati: Sounds doable. But is it really possible to move away from a conversation? Will that not be considered rude?

Jagruti: I thought so too and there are times when I would feel that I have to say what comes to my mind otherwise it kind of simmers in me. Over time, as I let these statements echo in me, I was able to stay away from conversations, move away from the place, of course after telling the other person :-). All the three steps really helped me. Even then, it did not happen overnight. I was still talking harsh, I was still getting thoughts of wishing others to go thru my situation, but over time it was getting lesser and lesser. 

Pramati: I just remembered you mentioning about me hurting myself. I kind of understand what you are saying but can you explain what you meant?

Jagruti: Many times, after we think we have hurt others either by our words or our actions, we berate ourselves and beat ourselves (not literally) for doing what we did and we actually call ourselves names. Isn’t that hurting ourselves? Isn’t that causing himsA to ourselves? When we do that to ourselves, there is no one to soothe us because they don’t know what we are doing to ourselves. And we cannot do soothe ourselves because we are so busy berating and beating ourselves down that we don’t have time for it. 

Pramati: I can understand what you are saying. That’s what I do to myself too.

Jagruti: Absolutely, I can see you doing that to yourself too. Quite unfortunately, we look holistically at anything that we do. We don’t look at the fact that we have changed to some extent. For example, there are times when you may have held on to what you wanted to say thereby not hurting the other person and there are times when you may have gone ahead and said what you wanted to say. Have you pat yourself on the back for those times when you have held yourself back or do you continue to tell yourself that you only hurt people by what you say and what you do?

Pramati: Hmmmn, I actually look at it only holistically. I have never looked at it one situation at a time. This has made me really call myself names, many times. HimsA to myself? Whoa,that’s something!!

Jagruti: Pramati, when we accept the fact that we have made a mistake and we accept the fact that others can also make mistakes, we become more tolerant. There are times when our priorities and that of the others do not match and that’s when the conflict arises. With conflict, there is helplessness and anger that sets in and that results in words and tone and sometimes the urge to slap or hit is implemented too. You know Pramati, if we think our priorities are important to us, others can think the same about theirs too isn’t it? The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that we hurt others ONLY because we have kept our priorities ahead of us. As much as we hurt others by keeping our priorities ahead of theirs, we also hurt ourselves when we keep others’ priorities ahead of ours. What I am going to say now is not easy to implement and I know I still struggle many times; however, there is certainly something satisfying when it is tried out  – When we keep both our priorities ahead of us, we try to accommodate both our priorities and we will see what we are able to accomplish together. 

Pramati: Going by what you are saying, it also means that we will always hurt someone or the other isn’t it – either others or ourselves. isn’t it? AhimsA cannot be practiced all the time with everyone and in all situations, isn’t it?

Jagruti: Hey, I have not thought of it this way. Which means we are not practicing ahimsA always, isn’t it? Interesting!! Aren’t you again looking at it holistically, Pramati? Actually I am not sure if we can really practice ahimsA with other people or even with ourselves, all the time and in all situations. Maybe it can be accomplished but I would rather be realistic than idealistic and say that if we are able to practice in most of the situations and with most people, it is an achievement by itself. I am sure you will ask ‘how’? Would you mind if I collate all my thoughts and give the ‘how’ of practicing ahimsA, in the way it has helped me?

Pramati: Wow!! That would be lovely.

Jagruti: Here it goes..

–  Welcome any emotion that comes in you. 

– When you are angry and you know that you are likely to say something may hurt the other person, tell them that you would like to stay away from the conversation and that you would like to refrain from saying anything. If it is possible, move away from that place.

– When others say something to hurt you and you think you are like to get provoked, again move away if you can. Alternatively, draw a mental insulation around you. and let no one walk into this insulated area without your permission.  

– When you accept yourself and others, you become more tolerant.

– Accommodate your priorities and that of the others and see yourself working with harmony.

– Look at every one of your practice of ahimsA independently and the more you see such acts of ahimsA, you will make sure you practice more.

– The more you practice ahimsA, the more you will see space within yourself. Space that will give you inner growth and this will bring more calmness and silence within you.

– If you see the Frequency of your practicing ahimsA increasing, the Intensity of your contemplation of ahimsA increasing and the speed with which you Recover is real fast – from from any incident when you have hurt others or when others have caused hurt to you, you are certainly practicing ahimsA most of the time and in most situations. 

Pramati: Oh my god, Jagruti, what I have always thought as a marathon task, you have made it seem so simple and doable. I am not sure I can take any more insights. Let me mull this over and see how much I can practice. Can we leave now?

Jagruti: Pramati, I would like to leave with this sharing – it is simple and doable but I don’t want you to underestimate the effort that needs to go in, for the change to happen within you. Remember always, when you give freedom to others to be what they are, you get freedom to be what you are. Take care and let me know how you are doing 🙂